They Call Him Philthy

Recently a number of notable people have died. Newsmaker Terri Shiavo, Johnny Cochran, Frank Perdue (of Perdue Chicken), and at the time of this writing, Pope John Paul II has nearly passed. One name that isn't on that list, that will surely be forgotten by most, is comedian/actor (but mainly comedian) Mitch Hedberg. I write this in honor of Mitch, not because I think he is more influential or worthy than those mentioned above, certainly not, but because he was one of those unique guys that fall through the cracks. Most have never even heard of him, but those that knew who he was, probably won't ever forget him.

I got home late last night around 3:00am. I sat down at the computer and immediately noticed several messages and e-mails from college and high school friends. They were all the same.

"Dude...I can't believe it. Mitch Hedberg died today. 37 years old! That guys was one-of-a-kind."

I admit I couldn't really believe it myself. I checked online and sure enough the articles were there. The Associated Press wrote one that most of the major newspapers ran as a tiny blurb in their next morning's editions. Read it here in the Washington Post, but hurry up and come back.

I called my younger brother and one of my good friends at 3:30am to tell them the sad news. Mitch wasn't a relative, a close friend, a mentor; Why was I so compelled to call over his death in the wee hours of the morning? It was Mitch Hedberg, dude.



Mitch Hedberg was a comedian. But that word just doesn't seem to paint the complete picture. Mitch was UNIQUE. Looking at his jokes on paper you'd think, "What the hell? Seems like a dumb stoner to me. What's the big deal?" Now, I'm not totally saying he wasn't a dumb stoner ("I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too"), but this guy was pure comedy.

When you see a stand-up comedian in person or on TV and you want to describe their style to one of your friends, you most likely do it by comparing them to an existing, more well known comedian. There are only a handfull of comedians out there who stand alone and who we seem to have trouble comparing to others. I'll throw out Jerry Seinfeld and Robin Williams as two who fit that category. They're unique and unparalleled. Well, though Mitch wasn't nearly as popular in mainstream comedy, he was unparalleled. I don't know how to describe him to people who've never seen him or heard his jokes. That's a good thing. The best thing.

Someone once asked Mitch why he wasn't more of a household name. He answered, "Because all of my fans live in apartments."



Mitch had long, straight brown hair dangling just above his shoulders. It was parted directly in the middle. He usually wore large, aviator sunglasses that were tinted just slightly to an amber red color. On stage Mitch would stand directly over the microphone, usually holding the mic and staring down in an almost shy gaze where he didn't want to look the audience in the eyes. In the one Comedy Central special he recorded, Mitch variates slightly by actually just sitting on the elevated stage and holding the microphone in his lap, staring at the ground while he spoke.

Speaking of, well, speaking, that was half of Mitch's comedy right there. The delivery of his jokes was just as important as the content itself. That makes sense in comedy usually, otherwise, any semi-intelligent person could be a comedian. But my friends, what is it that they always say about comedy? Timing is everything. I'm not sure Mitch was a master of timing but his delivery remains unmatched.

He spoke with a deep, quasi-raspy voice; Something you would expect to hear from some college dropout at the local poetry open mic night. But there was also definitely that hippie twang to his voice. Even when he laughed onstage it was a deliberate, slower, ha...ha.......ha. There was also a sense that while he had defintely rehearsed these jokes before, somehow he delivered them like he was just sitting around in your living room talking to you and having a beer (or in Mitch's case, probably smoking a joint). The subject of most of his jokes anyway would seem to fit that relaxed environment.




Mitch had no real style to his jokes. He just had jokes, thought they were funny, wrote them down, and told them. He never tried to do impressions or use inflections in his voice. It was just plain Mitch. You would just laugh at his ridiculously simple, sometimes stupid, jokes, and if you didn't laugh at them, he always said something like, "Man that joke was stupid. I don't know what I was trying to pull off with that one."

People always said Jerry Seinfeld was the master of everyday observations. Think of Mitch Hedberg as the master of the REALLY TINY everyday observations. Jerry Seinfeld wondered what the deal was with airline food. Mitch Hedberg wondered why the ants in his ant farm were in fact not "farming" anything! ("Them fellas didn't grow shit. What about some carrots maybe, for me? I like carrots"). Mitch would sometimes start a joke and not even finish it because he made himself laugh (for those that know me, this is what I do to myself. But hey, if you can make yourself laugh, you'll never be board!). Other times he'll be remarking on how stupid his last joke was, and consequently be building a joke just based on that. Mitch was just fun comedy. You didn't have to think when you heard him, in fact, it was probably better that you didn't try to think.

I was fortunate enough to see Mitch live in Raleigh a couple of years ago. It was regrettably the only time I got to see him. Let me tell you, truthfully, I saw Jerry Seinfeld once and that was amazing. I've seen other comedians here and there. Nothing compared to Mitch Hedberg live in person.

"What's that? Phil just said Mitch Hedberg was funnier than JERRY SEINFELD!?? BURN HIM ALIVE!" I love Jerry Seinfeld. I'm such a Seinfeld addict. But seeing Mitch Hedberg was an experience all it's own. I just wish I remembered more of his material from that night.

I first heard Mitch on someone's computer when I was a junior or senior in high school. I was hooked. I downloaded the first CD he had recorded and brought it to college. My freshman year at Elon there were many nights when I casually pulled out the CD and said, "Hey, anyone ever heard of Mitch Hedberg?" The answer was always no, but an hour later, they wanted to hear more. I credit myself, by the way, with single-handedly introducing the Elon area to Mitch. No one ANYWHERE knew who he was! I won't accept any arguments to the contrary, I DID IT FOLKS.

There was just something about this guy. I've been upset when legendary athletes pass away. People like that. But this was different. He was only 37 years old. I had been such a fan and we all sort of took it for granted that this guy would just be around for awhile and keep doing his thing. Then, suddenly, Mitch was gone. I don't know what it is, but when I gave the news to my good friend, we both were upset and angry. You know, "manly upset." We weren't about to cry, but we were so frustrated this guy was gone. How could he do this to everyone?

My younger brother Kevin and I shared the same sorts of conversations. Kevin, a high school student in Raleigh, said his school actually put Mitch Hedberg jokes on their morning announcement program and their quote of the day was something like, "Mitch we miss you, RIP." I thought that was amazing. Kevin said it actually affected him. He had a lousy day thinkig about Mitch.

Comedy Central earlier tonight scrapped their programming for a little while to pay tribute to Mitch by airing the "Comedy Central Presents" show that Mitch recorded a few years ago. At the end there was a picture of Mitch and a quote, "Mitch, we loved you too."

I've included some of Mitch's most classic jokes at the bottom of this post. And those were simply some of my favorites from the FIRST half of his CD that I own. I had to stop or else this would turn into a novel.

Listen, I'm not trying to glorify this guy over, say, the Pope. But so many other people will be writing that Pope memoir tomorrow. There's absolutely no argument from me that Mitch Hedberg was somehow a greater person than the long-tenured Catholic. But here's the thing. Every so often, that random person comes along and just makes you laugh your ass off. And 99% of America will never pay him another thought. They'll read that short obit article, they'll catch that Comedy Central re-run, but that will be the extent of it. Mitch was a legend, and like too many other favorite legends, he died far too young.


This one's for you Mitch.


_____________________________________



"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too."

"I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin ass. I'd be way better than before. They'd back up now."

"I got an ant farm, but them fellas didn't grow shit. What about some carrots maybe, for me? I Like carrots."

"My apartment is infested with kowala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever, way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of kowala bears scatter. But I don't want em too you know? I'm like, 'hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.' Kowala bears are so fuckin cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, and I will apprehend one."

"I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there. That's filler."

"Last week I helped a friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but I want a regular banana later...so...yeah..."

"A guy told me he liked cherries, but i waited to see if he liked tomatoes too, but then i realized he liked cherries just. Damn, that joke was ridiculous! I don't know what I was tryin to pull there. That one might be edited. I can edit the jokes."

"I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, I like to call them places to put stuff. 'Do you know where I can store a pea?' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'"

"I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others."

"I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen, but he could not read it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper."

"I saw some 2-dollar bills today, they were for sale for $8. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out out of control. Now it's worth 8, still says 2. I miss the 2. I could break a 2. Alright..."

"I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too."

"I mumble a lot offstage. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something. He won't hear me, so he'll say 'what', so I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he'll say 'what' again. But really its just some insignificant shit that I'm sayin, but now i'm yelling, 'that tree is far away!"

"If you boat a lot you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat."

"I want to be a racecar passenger, just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep goin in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man you really like Tide."

"You should never tell anyone they have a nice dimple, cause, what if they got shot in the face with a BB gun."

"I wrote a letter to my dad. I was going to write, 'I really enjoy being here,' but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really.' But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away"

"At the end of my letters I like to write, 'P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.'"

"If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin pimpin that shit out. 'What's goin on man? Tell you what, I'll trade you a free key duplication for...hahaha..' That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good cause there's no ending. I fuckin covered that up."

"I think Bigfoot is blurry. It's not the photographers fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. 'Run! He's fuzzy, get out of here.'"

"My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. That's very dangerous, cause, what if they don't have a hand. They'll think you're cocky. 'Hey look what I got motherfucker. This thing is usefull. I'm gonna go pick somethin up.'"

"If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. 'Hey I just my wallet, but fuck, this song is funky, fuck it!' Haha...that shit's no good boy..this is a CD called hit and miss."

"I got a robe. It's not a robe really, it's just a towel that fits me."

"My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it but she does live in a trailer, so she got halfway. She's an actress she's just never called to the set."

"On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana it's the total opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."

"I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, often I will drop it, so that it achieves it's maximum flavor potential."

"You know how they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob' right? But that's how it comes out of the ground man. They should call that corn. They should call every other version, 'corn-off-the-cob.' It's not like if you cut off my arm, you would call my arm 'Mitch' and if you reattach it you would call that, 'Mitch-altogether.'"


FOR MORE INFO ON MITCH:

- The Life and Humor of Mitch Hedberg
- Local DJ's try to call Mitch for a segment, the day after he died