Thursday, February 16, 2006
Bush Nearly Kills Cheney In Knife-Throwing Accident
DOCTORS: VICE PRESIDENT IN STABLE BUT SERIOUS CONDITION
By Art Vandelay
The Associated Press
Thursday, February 16, 2006
WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) -- Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering today at George Washington University Hospital from two apparent knife wounds caused by President Bush.
"The President was holding his daily knife-throwing competition inside the Oval office when the Vice President entered the room and failed to properly announce his arrival into the 'fun zone' as Mr. Bush likes to call it, " said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.
Reportedly, president Bush launched two sharp steak knives towards his makeshift bullseye target on the wall next to his George Washington painting when Cheney walked into the path of the knives. One was lodged just under his heart and the other stuck into his right thigh above his knee.
Ironically the accident happens just days after Cheney almost killed a man himself while on a quail hunting trip in Texas. The Vice President fired a shotgun towards some quail when he hit his 78-yr old friend Harry Whittington over the weekend. Cheney said Whittington had failed to announce his arrival after rejoining the hunting party. Whittington has been a heavy supporter of the Texas Republican party.
Conspiracy theorists have surfaced to try to shed some light on the bizarre events. Jason Hepler is head of "Guarding Us from Lies and Looking Inside for the Best Looking Explanation (G.U.L.L.I.B.L.E.)."
"Cheney almost kills a man who strongly supports the Texas Republican party," explains Hepler. "Then Bush, believing that Cheney has secretly turned to the dark side of the Democrats, tries to take out the Vice President. Think about it, hasn't the President always warned us not to mess with Texas? I guess now we see the consequences."
Democrats wasted no time to try to twist the events in their favor.
"We tried telling the American people that they couldn't trust this President with leading our country into the future," said California Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer. "Now it appears we can't even trust this President to cut his own steak at dinner."
Republican Senator Sam Brownback defended the President.
"Clearly Mr. Bush got a sign from our lord and savior to do what he did. We've suspected the Vice President was pure evil for awhile but now we know Jesus is on our side as well," said the religiously fanatical senator from Kansas.
Even former President Bill Clinton chimed in to what is clearly the hot topic.
"I am deeply saddenned by what has taken place today. Ever Since George Bush Sr. made me an official part of the family I've really grown close to W. and thought of him as a brother. I will do anything for him in his time of need today."
The 2002 Winter Games in Torino, bothered by sagging television ratings, have suddenly added a new event. The International Olympic Committee today announced that Knife Throwing is immediately an Olympic event and will debut tomorrow afternoon. Competing countries are scrambling to field teams in time for the upcoming competition. Reportedly Chuck Norris has been summoned by the United States.
Lost in all of the media frenzy is the fact that the President himself still has yet to comment on the unbelievable events of the day.
When asked if Mr. Bush had said anything about the incident, White House spokesman Scott McClellan had only a short statement. "The President said he had been watching television and watching these press briefings and he just told me, 'Scotty, you're doin' a heck of a job. You take it from here.'"
Vice President Cheney is being attended to by the very same doctor who just last September performed heart surgery on him. The George Washington University Hospital staff had no trouble finding Cheney's medical records since, as one anonymous nurse said, "he's in and out of here every couple of weeks with his damn heart. We know him well."
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OTHER NEWS IN BRIEF
* Actress Natalie Portman abruptly marries Maryland Man.
Portman, who is best known for her starring role in George Lucas' "Star Wars" movies, got hitched to Phil Elkins, 24, of Rockville Maryland. Portman had spent some time scouting the area for her next movie.
Reportedly, Portman noticed Elkins nursing a sick puppy back to health and immediately fell in love. "Any guy who cares that much for a small animal like that must care immensely about the rest of humanity. He's wonderful."
Elkins was equally jovially of the recent marriage. "I got to be honest here, I'm [expletive] ecstatic! I mean come on, bro, Natalie Portman? You gotta be kidding me."
* Former "Sesame Street" star angry over recent negative publicity
Big Bird, part of the hit children's series "Sesame Street" has expressed anger over the recent Bird-flu frenzy.
"I don't know if you know this, but not ALL birds have the Bird flu. I'm just a regular guy like anyone else...regular bird like anyone else," said Bird angrily.
Bird has been in and out of drug rehab centers since he and co-star Snuffle-up-a-gus were caught in a cocaine drug bust two blocks south of Sesame Street.
Stay Tuned For More Philthy. We'll Be Right Back.
