They Call Him Philthy

Yo God,

What's goin' on bro? How are things? How's the crib?

Hey listen, I know we don't really talk that often. In fact I'm pretty sure the last time I was in a church was Christmas of 2004. Yeah, I know, I'm better than that. But here's the thing...I gotta admit, I sort of have some beef with organized religion. No no...I'm not an atheist. I know you're up there but I guess I just feel like I'm smart enough not to try to pin down the specifics any further than that. I mean you created the Universe in six days, then yada yada yada, you're tired the next day. I get it. By the way, if you're the All-Mighty, why not just create the Universe in ONE day, or like in a couple seconds or something? Then you could have just spent the rest of the week chillin' out, drinking a beer. Nah, I bet you're more of a pot smoking kind of guy.

Anyway, aren't you a little pissed that ever since your New York Time's bestseller was released (the Bible) people have sort of been angry with each other? I mean somehow your story has been changed up a bit over the years and tailored to fit specific editors' needs. Doesn't that suck for you? Because basically all of these editors are certain that THEY have the correct version of your story. But G, you and I both know that only ONE of these hundreds of religions can actually be correct. I mean one of them says that this Jesus fellow is your son and another group thinks that Jesus is merely a flesh and blood dude like me. That one little discrepancy has led to a few fistfights over the years let me tell you.

Seems to me you could just come down here and set the record straight right? I mean I think people would listen to you. And the problem is, these days we have to listen to punks like Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and George Bush to tell us which religion is correct. It's frustrating because that Bush gentleman actually has a pretty important day job that he should probably focus on instead of giving us his rendition of your biography. Could you help us out bro?

I know you're probably busy though...and that's another gripe I have with you. I watch a lot of sports and I notice you evidently pay quite a bit attention as well. I sort of thought you didn't care about the outcome of games like these but I hear all the time these athletes thanking you for letting them score a touchdown or hit a homerun. You're meddling aren't you!

When a lot of athletes score these days they make sure to kneel down and pray or tell the media afterwards that you let them score. Judging from the amount of goals and points scored these days, I'd say you're quite a generous man! But what's up with these crazy ass earthquakes, hurricanes and wars going on? You should really lay off the sports gambling and get back to ruling the Universe. I mean I enjoy exciting touchdown catches as much as the next guy, but seriously. I mean if you're taking requests I would REALLY love to see the Orioles win another World Series next year...come on, what do you say?

Seriously though, back to the important stuff. These dudes over in Iraq and Afghanistan are always saying "praise to Allah" right before they blow themselves up. But I thought YOU were Allah, right? Don't the innocent people that die in those sorts of blasts love you too? Did you let them die because they don't call you Allah? You shouldn't get caught up in specifics like that.

Anyway, sorry to be a downer. On to some more lighthearted stuff. What's up with Tom Cruise and his Scientology cult? Are you cool with this or what? We all sort of think he's a little wacky...what's the low down? What's your favorite type of music to jam to? Boxers or briefs?

Lastly, as I was saying earlier, I'm not really an organized religion type of guy but I am spiritual. Is that cool with you? I just don't know if you're the type of guy who likes the people that suck up to you, you know, the ones who are in church three times a week and use your name for pretty much every decision they make. They're the ones that usually have Jesus bumber stickers. Or Bush bumper stickers. Maybe both.

Alright, I know you're swamped with touchdown requests and red state wishes so I'll let you go. Seriously though, come stop by sometime. You can crash on my couch and watch Family Guy reruns. And I'll totally hook you up with free hockey tickets.

Talk to you later,

Phil





A HEAVENLY RESPONSE:



Phil,

Sorry for delay in responding my man. My email hasn't been working so I had to go the snail-mail route. This is SO 20th Century!

Dude, I love the blog. That rap lyric translation thing was classic! Keep up the good work. By the way, you asked which type of music I liked the best. I'm more of a country guy myself. Haha, just fuckin with you. Country is an abomination. Lately I've been diggin' that Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps." Crazy ass lyrics for sure...but that Fergie chick is HOT. Oh and that "yada yada yada" thing is a Seinfeld reference right? Loved that Puffy shirt episode. Anyway, let me tackle some of your questions right off the bat.

Yeah, Tom Cruise? Totally gay. I mean the guy is wacked out! You should see what he does behind closed doors. I'm working on Katie Holmes so don't worry. If everything goes as planned she'll be free from his tyrannical grip very soon. And that Scientology bullshit? I mean come ON! I'm thinking about creating a comet and then convincing that whole group that their destiny lies in a cup of poison Kool-Aid that will transport them to said comet. Remember that purple robe, Nike shoe cult? Yep, that was my doing! I got really fucked up one night and just had some fun.

As for the boxers/briefs thing, you gotta remember, I'm not a man let alone a human being. I'm God dude! But if I WERE a man I'd totally wear boxers. Gotta leave some room for my boys to wander around, am I right?

Oh and I'm totally cool with you not going to church by the way. As long as you know I'm around, you're fine. I sort of treat those hardcore religious freaks like you would a child. You know, make them think they're really important and that you're really impressed by their shitty art class paintings. Yeah, I figure, give them an election and a "vision" of the Virgin Mary every once in awhile and keep them happy for a bit. Isn't George Bush a hoot by the way? Sometimes when he's giving important speeches I like to drop in and clear his mind for a quick second and just see how he reacts on the fly. It's some good shit! I think one time he actually made up a new word! Hey, you gotta have a sense of humor up here.

As to your sports questions. Yeah I hear those idiots trying to attribute their touchdowns and home runs to me. RIDICULOUS! I love watching those guys play but I'd never interfere with athletic competition...well, alright, I did give the Boston Red Sox a slight nudge forward last year. But those Bostonians were really bummed out for awhile. I felt bad! But seriously, other than that, I try not to mess with sports. Those athletes are full of it. But are you surprised they say things like "thanks to God for letting me score"? Most of those dudes are dumb as shit!

I should probably run, but to your main point; The natural disasters and wars I try to stay out of. I like to think of your planet as a work in progress, an experiment of sorts. You guys aren't doing so badly by the way. You should see this other planet I created...these people just created flying cars but all they do is constantly crash into each other. It's a little ridiculous. I'm thinking about destroying that whole thing and starting over from scratch.

Anyway, I don't think I can come crash on your couch anytime soon. It would probably create some havic on your planet. But just keep on keepin' on. Oh, and keep your fingers crossed on that Orioles World Series thing...wink wink.

Later bro,

God

I very much enjoy hip hop/rap music. My parents don't understand it. It's not my favorite type of music by far, but there's a certain charm that can only be found in this genre of music. A large portion of the reason that I like rap music is the sheer joy and laughter I get from listening to the lyrics. Let's face it, they're unbelievably hilarious! Half the fun of listening to rap is trying to figure out what the hell they're talking about in the song!

"Word up to your mutha," is an example of a type of lyrical code that exists in rap. Ebonics is the term we're most familiar with when listening to this sort of speech. I'd be willing to bet that a majority of citizens out there listen to rap songs on the radio and have no clue what the heck these clowns are saying. It's actually scary what some of these songs get away with saying simply because they are slightly altered to fit this "code."

I'm overtaken by sadness when learning that so many of you out there might not get the chance to really understand what scholarly rappers like Nelly are trying convey through their lyrics. Therefore, I've set out to translate one of Nelly's hit songs. Most of you have heard it but many of you are probably eager to delve deeper into it's strange lyrical world.

I give you my translated rendition of Nelly's "Ride Wit Me" :



NELLY: "RIDE WIT ME"

In the club on the late night, feelin right
Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice
Lookin for a little shorty I noticed so that I can take home
(I can take home)
She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude
or 19 kinda snotty actin real rude
But as long as you a thicky thicky thick girl you know that it's on
(Know that it's on)


TRANSLATION:

I'm currently in the entertainment establishment and it's reaching the early morning hours. I'm overcome with spirits and attempting to catch sight of a very attractive female that I would possibly be able to bring to my residence for the night with the intention of engaging in sexual intercourse. It doesn't matter to me what age the young lady is or what her temperment is at this moment; as long as she is a little chubby, especially in the rear area, you can be certain that we will in fact be engaging in sexual intercourse later this evening.



I peep something comin towards me on the dance floor
Sexy and real slow (hey)
Sayin she was peepin and I dig the last video
So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no?
Her measurements were 36-25-34
I like the way you brush your hair
And I like those stylish clothes you wear
I like the way the light hit the ice and glare
And I can see you boo from way over there


TRANSLATION:

As I'm cavorting around to the rhythm of the song I notice a woman approaching me in an extremely enticing and somewhat gradual manner. She mentions that I had caught her attention from across the room and that she enjoyed watching the most recent music video that my associates and I had released. She appears to be very forward in the desire to accompany me back to my quarters and it just didn't seem possible to deny her that wish. She had an absolutely wonderful physique. I told her that I really enjoyed the manner in which she handled her personal hygiene and the extremely trendy and expensive garments she chose to display. I was amazed at how the light was reflecting off of her jewelry, and at that moment I also became aware of the proximity to which her significant other was to the both of us.



Chorus:
If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
wit three women in the fo' with the gold D's
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)


TRANSLATION:

If you'd fancy a lift in my expensive car with several attractive prostitutes... oh dear! Why do I choose to carry myself in this sort of way? You know what, I'd be willing to bet that my motivation probably stems from the money that I will earn if I in fact convince others around me that this is my wild and luxurious lifestyle. If you'd like to travel with me and experience the euphoria of consuming cannabis, one way possibly being to inhale the marijuana in the rear seating of my Mercedes Benz... oh dear! Why do I choose to carry myself in this sort of way? You know what, I'd be willing to bet that my motivation probably stems from the money that I will earn if I in fact convince others around me that this is my wild and luxurious lifestyle.



Check, check -- yo, I know somethin you don't know
And I got somethin to tell ya
You won't believe how many people, straight doubted the flow
Folks said that I was a failure
But now the same motherfuckers askin me fo' dough
And I'm yellin, "I can't help ya"
"But Nelly can we get tickets to the next show?"
Hell no (what's witchu?!) you for real?!


TRANSLATION:

Don't forget to perform mantenience on this microphone so that we can prevent a future failure -- Excuse me, I am privy to certain facts that you may not be aware of and I'm prepared to speak to you directly in a formal manner. You honestly won't be able to comprehend the numbers of people who were of the opinion that I was not going to succeed as a rapper. They would often speak publicly about the fact that I was going to fail. Now, however, those same individuals whom I do not hold in a positive light are requesting help from me, in the form of currency. I tell those people that I'm simply not able to give them the aid that they are asking for. Their next step is to inquire about complimentary tickets to one of my upcoming rap concerts. I answer by telling them that it most likely will not occur. They wonder if there's something wrong with me and even at times they are under the impression that I may be simply joking.



Hey yo, now that I'm a fly guy, and I fly high
Niggaz wanna know why, why I fly by
But yo it's all good, Range Rover all wood
Do me like you should - fuck me good, suck me good
We be them stud niggaz, wishin you was niggaz


TRANSLATION:

Hello, I'd be gratefull if you'd give me your full attention. These days I'm an exceptionally charming man and someone who is constantly abreast of the current social trends. I also experience life to the fullest with my wealth and overall attitude. Because of this change in my personality and lifestyle, African Americans would like to know the reason that I have left their economic bracket and physical geographic locations. Excuse me, everything is fine. My Range Rover is of the extremely expensive variety as it was fastened from all wood. Treat me sexually in the way that I deserve to be treated - engage in sexual intercourse to the fullest of your potential, also perform oral sex to the best of your abilities. We are the group of African Americans who are very successfull and attractive. Because of this, you often aspire to become someone much like us.



Chorus:
If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
wit three women in the fo' with the gold D's
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)


TRANSLATION:

If you'd fancy a lift in my expensive car with several attractive prostitutes... oh dear! Why do I choose to carry myself in this sort of way? You know what, I'd be willing to bet that my motivation probably stems from the money that I will earn if I in fact convince others around me that this is my wild and luxurious lifestyle. If you'd like to travel with me and experience the euphoria of consuming cannabis, one way possibly being to inhale the marijuana in the rear seating of my Mercedes Benz... oh dear! Why do I choose to carry myself in this sort of way? You know what, I'd be willing to bet that my motivation probably stems from the money that I will earn if I in fact convince others around me that this is my wild and luxurious lifestyle.