They Call Him Philthy

So it's been about two months since the last blog. I mean that's just plain lazy! I've realized that unless I'm REALLY inspired to sit down and write about something, I probably won't write. And after a comment from an old friend (See last blog's comments) I think it's time for some less serious discourse. Every once in awhile instead of focusing on one particular topic I'll sit back and tackle several issues at a time with the best weapon on the market: humor. So with that intro I give you the first edition of, "Phil's Phlegm." (Why Phlegm? Because I found this alternate definition of Phlegm: "One of the four humors of ancient and medieval physiology, thought to cause sluggishness, apathy, and evenness of temper"...yeah I think that's about right)


* GWEN STEFANI IS B-A-N-A-N-A-S!





Alright, you're not allowed to spell out the name of a fruit and call it music. You just can't do it. There aren't too many rules in the music making business but I'm pretty sure that's one of them. I'll let you dye your hair blonde even though you look much hotter as a brunette. I'll let you vacate a rock band that at times was a pretty good little concoction. I'll put up with your new solo career that includes bringing a high school marching band drummer on stage for your songs. But Gwen, even if your shit IS bananas you're just going to have to assume the listener knows how it's spelled. This is not the time for a quick grammar lesson.


* THERE'S NOTHING SWEET ABOUT THESE 16-YR OLDS

Before I leave pop music and cheesy television let's quickly discuss quite possibly the worst idea for a television reality show ever. It's MTV's "My Super Sweet 16." If you're not familiar with it, congratulations, you're a blessed soul. MTV has selected the wealthiest and most annoying teenage girls in the country and will document how their rich-ass parents will construct the most extravagant sweet-16 birthday parties for them. This is ridiculous. Look how much money I have! And look what I'm going to do with it! I'll blow it on my irritable daughter who complains that the gold birthday cake isn't as shiny as she would like! I'm telling you folks, if you accidentally watch this you'll soon join me in a plot to round up these girls and throw them in a cage for the rest of eternity.


* STELLA IS BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE SHOW



If you know me, you're already aware of my love for the new Comedy Central series called "Stella." I think most people probably hate this show because let's face it, it's really really dumb. The few people out there that share my type of sense of humor know that these guys' comedy just sort of clicks with me and gets me laughing on the floor in seconds. These three guys worked together on a not-so-big blockbuster movie, "Wet Hot American Summer." They are also a comedy trio that tours the country doing improv comedy. I'm such a fan. Check out the group's official website for more info on their different comedy projects: www.stellacomedy.com.


* THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY SAID OUR JOBS WERE "FULL-TIME"

I'm not necessarily one of those people that misses College all the time. I do miss it and I had some of the best times of my life in College, but you know it's also nice not to have to share a bathroom with four other guys and I've noticed that even with my shitty salary there seems to be a few extra dollars in my pocket. The thing I miss is the very casual nature of classes as compared to a newfound job. Remember when there were snow days and classes were cancelled? Remember when you walked to class only to find a note posted on the door: "CLASSES CANCELLED TODAY"? Remember when you could skip a class if it was a nice day out? Well I don't know about you all, but I've yet to find a note on my desk at work that says that work has been cancelled for the day. The only notes I get are ones requiring me to do something else that I don't want to do. Doesn't my boss know it's a really sunny day today?


* GIRLS (AND BOYS) JUST WANNA HAVE FUN (AND COMPLAIN)

People just love to complain don't they? I mean you could be on vacation sipping on margaritas at the beach and then get down about a single cloud in the sky momentarily covering up the Sun. The person that complained that the coffee was TOO hot at McDonald's needs to wake up and smell the, well... Some of the on-air anchors that I work with complain about having to sit through a 15-minute meeting discussing the upcoming show for the night. Hey guys, remember that job you have? Yeah the one where you go in front of a camera and talk about SPORTS. Yeah sports, that stuff that really doesn't matter and is just sort of fun. You sit up there and make funny noises for an hour, eat some dinner and call that a day's work. Life sucks bro. Just think, you COULD be working at some shitty party planning company and have to listen to the demands of a "Super Sweet" 16 year old. You're doing fine.


* HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

In a related story, when did it become so tough to be HAPPY? It could just be me, but the majority of people out there just don't seem to have "happy" as their default setting. Someone or something has to act upon them to create said happiness. Whatever happened to just being happy and lighthearted and acting like that towards others? I don't mean this as some cheesy psychological essay, I'm just saying really, it seems to me that it would be easier to act cheerful rather than testy and put off. Is this part of some "tough guy" (or girl) complex? Does it appear that you are more secure and together when you're serious and annoyed? I sure hope not. Even when I'm pissed off or sad about something I try my best to forget about it when I'm at work or out with friends. I've noticed when I act like a complete goof off in a conversation with someone else, they'll soon turn to my state as well. I'm not saying I'm anything special though, I think if everyone just took things a little less seriously we could put up with those notes from our bosses that DON'T mention anything about a work cancellation.


* WAR: WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? A LITTLE DEBATE I GUESS





A few days ago my roommate and I got into a nice little debate on the war in Iraq. I believe we started things out around 2:30 am after I had watched something on CNN called "Dead Wrong." It was a special report on how the government's intelligence turned out to be completely wrong dealing with the Iraq situation. Our conversation ended a little after 6:00 am. It was epic! I'm a liberal and my roommate is sort of a moderate republican. I was arguing that if the intelligence had turned out completely false, we should be angry. And why are we fighting a war in Iraq when our number one enemy was supposedly Osama bin Laden? My roommate argued that a war in Iraq was necessary to stabilize that country's government because in turn it will help to someday stabilize the entire region. The great thing about our discussion was that we threw all the ammo we had at each other and by the end neither of us was ready to change our minds in the least. I don't think that was the intent anyway. Sometimes it's pretty great to be able to turn off the game and sit around talking about what really matters.


* NEWSCAST XIV: RISE OF THE GAS

And finally, who's tired of seeing those news stories about rising gas prices? ME! Guess what, we know it's rising. I can't remember the last time I bought gas that was cheaper than $2 a gallon. You don't have to do one of these stories every night! I get it! And they're always the best aren't they? Close-up shot of a mother's hand squeezing the gas nozzle; shot of gas price sign; interview with the mom who says something about how tough her life is now with her three kids who have to be driven to soccer practice everyday. Oh and how come the report on rising prices always mentions something like, "Crude oil is up to $60 a barrel." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?? There's like two guys in the entire town who know what that is supposed to translate into. Can you just tell me how much it is per gallon? I'm not planning on buying anything by the barrel, and I don't want anything that is "crude." It's not like when I buy a 12-pack of beer the guy will say, "Ok sir. A million pounds of barley and hops will run you close to $300,000." I thought I was just buying 12 beers!


I hope you enjoyed this installment of "Phil's Phlegm." Please feel free to comment on anything you've read above. I appreciate all the feedback from previous blogs. Even you, Daniel Werdel. Punk.

Stay Tuned for More Philthy. We'll be Right Back.