They Call Him Philthy

DOCTORS: VICE PRESIDENT IN STABLE BUT SERIOUS CONDITION


By Art Vandelay
The Associated Press
Thursday, February 16, 2006

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) -- Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering today at George Washington University Hospital from two apparent knife wounds caused by President Bush.

"The President was holding his daily knife-throwing competition inside the Oval office when the Vice President entered the room and failed to properly announce his arrival into the 'fun zone' as Mr. Bush likes to call it, " said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Reportedly, president Bush launched two sharp steak knives towards his makeshift bullseye target on the wall next to his George Washington painting when Cheney walked into the path of the knives. One was lodged just under his heart and the other stuck into his right thigh above his knee.

Ironically the accident happens just days after Cheney almost killed a man himself while on a quail hunting trip in Texas. The Vice President fired a shotgun towards some quail when he hit his 78-yr old friend Harry Whittington over the weekend. Cheney said Whittington had failed to announce his arrival after rejoining the hunting party. Whittington has been a heavy supporter of the Texas Republican party.

Conspiracy theorists have surfaced to try to shed some light on the bizarre events. Jason Hepler is head of "Guarding Us from Lies and Looking Inside for the Best Looking Explanation (G.U.L.L.I.B.L.E.)."

"Cheney almost kills a man who strongly supports the Texas Republican party," explains Hepler. "Then Bush, believing that Cheney has secretly turned to the dark side of the Democrats, tries to take out the Vice President. Think about it, hasn't the President always warned us not to mess with Texas? I guess now we see the consequences."

Democrats wasted no time to try to twist the events in their favor.

"We tried telling the American people that they couldn't trust this President with leading our country into the future," said California Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer. "Now it appears we can't even trust this President to cut his own steak at dinner."

Republican Senator Sam Brownback defended the President.

"Clearly Mr. Bush got a sign from our lord and savior to do what he did. We've suspected the Vice President was pure evil for awhile but now we know Jesus is on our side as well," said the religiously fanatical senator from Kansas.

Even former President Bill Clinton chimed in to what is clearly the hot topic.

"I am deeply saddenned by what has taken place today. Ever Since George Bush Sr. made me an official part of the family I've really grown close to W. and thought of him as a brother. I will do anything for him in his time of need today."

The 2002 Winter Games in Torino, bothered by sagging television ratings, have suddenly added a new event. The International Olympic Committee today announced that Knife Throwing is immediately an Olympic event and will debut tomorrow afternoon. Competing countries are scrambling to field teams in time for the upcoming competition. Reportedly Chuck Norris has been summoned by the United States.

Lost in all of the media frenzy is the fact that the President himself still has yet to comment on the unbelievable events of the day.

When asked if Mr. Bush had said anything about the incident, White House spokesman Scott McClellan had only a short statement. "The President said he had been watching television and watching these press briefings and he just told me, 'Scotty, you're doin' a heck of a job. You take it from here.'"

Vice President Cheney is being attended to by the very same doctor who just last September performed heart surgery on him. The George Washington University Hospital staff had no trouble finding Cheney's medical records since, as one anonymous nurse said, "he's in and out of here every couple of weeks with his damn heart. We know him well."

=========

OTHER NEWS IN BRIEF


* Actress Natalie Portman abruptly marries Maryland Man.

Portman, who is best known for her starring role in George Lucas' "Star Wars" movies, got hitched to Phil Elkins, 24, of Rockville Maryland. Portman had spent some time scouting the area for her next movie.

Reportedly, Portman noticed Elkins nursing a sick puppy back to health and immediately fell in love. "Any guy who cares that much for a small animal like that must care immensely about the rest of humanity. He's wonderful."

Elkins was equally jovially of the recent marriage. "I got to be honest here, I'm [expletive] ecstatic! I mean come on, bro, Natalie Portman? You gotta be kidding me."



* Former "Sesame Street" star angry over recent negative publicity

Big Bird, part of the hit children's series "Sesame Street" has expressed anger over the recent Bird-flu frenzy.

"I don't know if you know this, but not ALL birds have the Bird flu. I'm just a regular guy like anyone else...regular bird like anyone else," said Bird angrily.

Bird has been in and out of drug rehab centers since he and co-star Snuffle-up-a-gus were caught in a cocaine drug bust two blocks south of Sesame Street.


Stay Tuned For More Philthy. We'll Be Right Back.

Labels: Humor, Politics

Hello free world! Happy 2006 and happy resolution breaking! By the way, does anyone actually make new year's resolutions anymore? I don't think they do. I think television news people talk about it and make a tired joke every year about how quickly people will break their resolutions...But I'm convinced that these days the resolution making business is not profiting. I don't make resolutions, my friends and co-workers don't make resolutions and my family doesn't appear to be playing that game. Instead of making a new year's resolution, I actually tend to make a new week's resolution. "This week I'll start jogging everyday. This week I'll get my oil changed." I find there's more joy in breaking my resolutions every seven days rather than just annually.

But I digress. The blog is back in print and apparently many of you will be happy about that. I'm amazed at what transpires when I ignore the blog for awhile. Comments start trickling in from family members about how I'm not writing anything new and I even heard that my friend's boss in Hawaii is now on board with the Philthy action. I'm impressed people, I really am. Keep that good feedback up and maybe I'll actually grace you with my presence more often than my current lazy trend of once every month or so. In fact, this week I resolve to write more...

But the reason we're here today is that I'd like to tackle the strange world of "This Day in History." Yes, we've all heard those "amazing" tidbits of information on morning radio or cable news: "On this day in history in 1963, our nation's youngest elected President, John F. Kennedy, was assassinated."

I loved Kennedy as a president and as a humanitarian. I'm genuinely very sad that we had to lose a great thinker and peacemaker, and lose him in such an horrific way. But guess what, EVERY November 22nd for the rest of time will be that anniversary. Don't you think it will begin to lose a LITTLE significance? A lot of other shit happened on that day and will continue to happen! We only have 365 days every year for things to occur (I'm excluding leap year crap because it's complicated). Think about it though, only 365 original things can happen before everything begins to repeat and fall on the same day. And believe me, recorded history dates back a LONG time. Bear with me for a bit of history and mathematics (momma Elkins will be so proud).

The oldest form of human writing dates back to 4000 BC. I mean that's older than Dick Clark! Barely. But basically our span of recorded history goes almost 5,500 years back. So from that number let us multiply by 365 to find out how many days have been involved in recorded history:

5,500 x 365 = 2,007,500 days.

I'm no historian, but that seems to be a lot of days. Now lets try to put a general number to how many "events" actually happen in a single day. This is extremely arbitrary, but I'll take CNN.com and count how many new stories were reported today. That number is 37. Of course, this only includes the stories posted on the FRONT of their site, and excludes each section's top stories. So lets tack on:

12 x 5 = 60

(12 being the number of sections of news on CNN.com, 5 being the average number of stories per section):

60 + 37 = 97

Let's just round that number to an even 100 and keep in mind that we have only chosen stories covered by CNN so we're probably missing most of the top sports stories of the day, celebrity events, and in depth international happenings. So lets hike that number up to 200. I'd have to assume we're still really low-balling that figure but let's stick with our 200. So, 200 events per day multiplied by 2,007,500 days in recorded history and we get:

200 x 2,007,500 = 401,500,000 "events" in recorded history.

I don't know about you, but that number looks gigantic. We're not quite through yet, though. Lets take the number of events that have happened on our planet since history was recorded (or at least our bad estimate) and divide by 365 to find out how many average "events in history" can be spread out between 365 days each year:

401,500,000 / 365 = 1,100,000.

In other words, if we use our figures (which, granted, are probably quite a bit off but ok to prove a point), any random day selected in a year has 1,100,000 events that have happened on that day sometime in our history. Now are you still impressed at those "This Day in History" items? I realize that we haven't defined how big an event has to be to be considered newsworthy, and I also realize the world's population wasn't always this large, but generally speaking, a whole lot of shit has happened on Mother Earth since the beginning.

And don't even get me started on birthdays. It is no longer interesting to me that I share a birthday with Mike Ditka, Chuck Berry and.... Lee Harvey Oswald? Wow. It appears we've come full circle with our previous mention of JFK's assassination. Except Lee Harvey Oswald didn't kill the president. Hell no. But that's an entirely different story...

The point is, tons and tons of people are born each day and have been born since the beginning of time. We only have 365 unique days to spread out between all of those people. It simply doesn't impress me to find out that a few people might have the same birthday. Come on folks! There are plenty of other things to be amazed by: the miracle of life, technological advancements, the fact that William Shatner has a singing career.


Before we adjourn for the day, here are a few small things I've been pondering:


I love working during the day and having weekends off now. I can't believe there was actually a recent and extensive period in my life where I got home from work around midnight every night and worked every weekend. I'm finding a whole new world out there that lives between the hours of 7 pm and midnight. It's great! And don't even get me started on the weekends...You all didn't tell me those Saturday and Sunday afternoons were so cool! I'm impressed and I'm not leaving.

Why did Americans have to settle where they did all those years ago? Couldn't they have found a nice new plot of land closer to the equator to set up Plymouth Rock so that I could enjoy 85 degree weather YEAR-ROUND? I mean really, the east coast is nice, but it would be a whole lot nicer if it existed in the North Pacific. I was able to spend a week on the big island of Hawaii in mid-December and let me tell you, if my family and a lager portion of civilization existed on that island, I'd never leave. Fuck the mainland, I'm going snorkeling in January bitches.

For the Maryland fans out there, basketball player Chris McCray recently was disqualified for the remainder of the year due to academics. That's right, he couldn't keep his GPA above the NCAA requirement of 1.90. Do you even fathom how pathetic that is? I'm pretty sure that Geico lizard could keep a better GPA and I don't even think he knows how to use a computer. It gets better when I find out McCray was quoted as saying something to the effect of wanting to focus on his degree in criminal law. You know what, if our current system of law depends on students like Chris McCray, I'm moving to Canada.

Stay Tuned for More Philthy. We'll be Right Back.

Yo God,

What's goin' on bro? How are things? How's the crib?

Hey listen, I know we don't really talk that often. In fact I'm pretty sure the last time I was in a church was Christmas of 2004. Yeah, I know, I'm better than that. But here's the thing...I gotta admit, I sort of have some beef with organized religion. No no...I'm not an atheist. I know you're up there but I guess I just feel like I'm smart enough not to try to pin down the specifics any further than that. I mean you created the Universe in six days, then yada yada yada, you're tired the next day. I get it. By the way, if you're the All-Mighty, why not just create the Universe in ONE day, or like in a couple seconds or something? Then you could have just spent the rest of the week chillin' out, drinking a beer. Nah, I bet you're more of a pot smoking kind of guy.

Anyway, aren't you a little pissed that ever since your New York Time's bestseller was released (the Bible) people have sort of been angry with each other? I mean somehow your story has been changed up a bit over the years and tailored to fit specific editors' needs. Doesn't that suck for you? Because basically all of these editors are certain that THEY have the correct version of your story. But G, you and I both know that only ONE of these hundreds of religions can actually be correct. I mean one of them says that this Jesus fellow is your son and another group thinks that Jesus is merely a flesh and blood dude like me. That one little discrepancy has led to a few fistfights over the years let me tell you.

Seems to me you could just come down here and set the record straight right? I mean I think people would listen to you. And the problem is, these days we have to listen to punks like Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and George Bush to tell us which religion is correct. It's frustrating because that Bush gentleman actually has a pretty important day job that he should probably focus on instead of giving us his rendition of your biography. Could you help us out bro?

I know you're probably busy though...and that's another gripe I have with you. I watch a lot of sports and I notice you evidently pay quite a bit attention as well. I sort of thought you didn't care about the outcome of games like these but I hear all the time these athletes thanking you for letting them score a touchdown or hit a homerun. You're meddling aren't you!

When a lot of athletes score these days they make sure to kneel down and pray or tell the media afterwards that you let them score. Judging from the amount of goals and points scored these days, I'd say you're quite a generous man! But what's up with these crazy ass earthquakes, hurricanes and wars going on? You should really lay off the sports gambling and get back to ruling the Universe. I mean I enjoy exciting touchdown catches as much as the next guy, but seriously. I mean if you're taking requests I would REALLY love to see the Orioles win another World Series next year...come on, what do you say?

Seriously though, back to the important stuff. These dudes over in Iraq and Afghanistan are always saying "praise to Allah" right before they blow themselves up. But I thought YOU were Allah, right? Don't the innocent people that die in those sorts of blasts love you too? Did you let them die because they don't call you Allah? You shouldn't get caught up in specifics like that.

Anyway, sorry to be a downer. On to some more lighthearted stuff. What's up with Tom Cruise and his Scientology cult? Are you cool with this or what? We all sort of think he's a little wacky...what's the low down? What's your favorite type of music to jam to? Boxers or briefs?

Lastly, as I was saying earlier, I'm not really an organized religion type of guy but I am spiritual. Is that cool with you? I just don't know if you're the type of guy who likes the people that suck up to you, you know, the ones who are in church three times a week and use your name for pretty much every decision they make. They're the ones that usually have Jesus bumber stickers. Or Bush bumper stickers. Maybe both.

Alright, I know you're swamped with touchdown requests and red state wishes so I'll let you go. Seriously though, come stop by sometime. You can crash on my couch and watch Family Guy reruns. And I'll totally hook you up with free hockey tickets.

Talk to you later,

Phil





A HEAVENLY RESPONSE:



Phil,

Sorry for delay in responding my man. My email hasn't been working so I had to go the snail-mail route. This is SO 20th Century!

Dude, I love the blog. That rap lyric translation thing was classic! Keep up the good work. By the way, you asked which type of music I liked the best. I'm more of a country guy myself. Haha, just fuckin with you. Country is an abomination. Lately I've been diggin' that Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps." Crazy ass lyrics for sure...but that Fergie chick is HOT. Oh and that "yada yada yada" thing is a Seinfeld reference right? Loved that Puffy shirt episode. Anyway, let me tackle some of your questions right off the bat.

Yeah, Tom Cruise? Totally gay. I mean the guy is wacked out! You should see what he does behind closed doors. I'm working on Katie Holmes so don't worry. If everything goes as planned she'll be free from his tyrannical grip very soon. And that Scientology bullshit? I mean come ON! I'm thinking about creating a comet and then convincing that whole group that their destiny lies in a cup of poison Kool-Aid that will transport them to said comet. Remember that purple robe, Nike shoe cult? Yep, that was my doing! I got really fucked up one night and just had some fun.

As for the boxers/briefs thing, you gotta remember, I'm not a man let alone a human being. I'm God dude! But if I WERE a man I'd totally wear boxers. Gotta leave some room for my boys to wander around, am I right?

Oh and I'm totally cool with you not going to church by the way. As long as you know I'm around, you're fine. I sort of treat those hardcore religious freaks like you would a child. You know, make them think they're really important and that you're really impressed by their shitty art class paintings. Yeah, I figure, give them an election and a "vision" of the Virgin Mary every once in awhile and keep them happy for a bit. Isn't George Bush a hoot by the way? Sometimes when he's giving important speeches I like to drop in and clear his mind for a quick second and just see how he reacts on the fly. It's some good shit! I think one time he actually made up a new word! Hey, you gotta have a sense of humor up here.

As to your sports questions. Yeah I hear those idiots trying to attribute their touchdowns and home runs to me. RIDICULOUS! I love watching those guys play but I'd never interfere with athletic competition...well, alright, I did give the Boston Red Sox a slight nudge forward last year. But those Bostonians were really bummed out for awhile. I felt bad! But seriously, other than that, I try not to mess with sports. Those athletes are full of it. But are you surprised they say things like "thanks to God for letting me score"? Most of those dudes are dumb as shit!

I should probably run, but to your main point; The natural disasters and wars I try to stay out of. I like to think of your planet as a work in progress, an experiment of sorts. You guys aren't doing so badly by the way. You should see this other planet I created...these people just created flying cars but all they do is constantly crash into each other. It's a little ridiculous. I'm thinking about destroying that whole thing and starting over from scratch.

Anyway, I don't think I can come crash on your couch anytime soon. It would probably create some havic on your planet. But just keep on keepin' on. Oh, and keep your fingers crossed on that Orioles World Series thing...wink wink.

Later bro,

God

I very much enjoy hip hop/rap music. My parents don't understand it. It's not my favorite type of music by far, but there's a certain charm that can only be found in this genre of music. A large portion of the reason that I like rap music is the sheer joy and laughter I get from listening to the lyrics. Let's face it, they're unbelievably hilarious! Half the fun of listening to rap is trying to figure out what the hell they're talking about in the song!

"Word up to your mutha," is an example of a type of lyrical code that exists in rap. Ebonics is the term we're most familiar with when listening to this sort of speech. I'd be willing to bet that a majority of citizens out there listen to rap songs on the radio and have no clue what the heck these clowns are saying. It's actually scary what some of these songs get away with saying simply because they are slightly altered to fit this "code."

I'm overtaken by sadness when learning that so many of you out there might not get the chance to really understand what scholarly rappers like Nelly are trying convey through their lyrics. Therefore, I've set out to translate one of Nelly's hit songs. Most of you have heard it but many of you are probably eager to delve deeper into it's strange lyrical world.

I give you my translated rendition of Nelly's "Ride Wit Me" :



NELLY: "RIDE WIT ME"

In the club on the late night, feelin right
Lookin tryin to spot somethin real nice
Lookin for a little shorty I noticed so that I can take home
(I can take home)
She can be 18 (18) wit an attitude
or 19 kinda snotty actin real rude
But as long as you a thicky thicky thick girl you know that it's on
(Know that it's on)


TRANSLATION:

I'm currently in the entertainment establishment and it's reaching the early morning hours. I'm overcome with spirits and attempting to catch sight of a very attractive female that I would possibly be able to bring to my residence for the night with the intention of engaging in sexual intercourse. It doesn't matter to me what age the young lady is or what her temperment is at this moment; as long as she is a little chubby, especially in the rear area, you can be certain that we will in fact be engaging in sexual intercourse later this evening.



I peep something comin towards me on the dance floor
Sexy and real slow (hey)
Sayin she was peepin and I dig the last video
So when Nelly, can we go; how could I tell her no?
Her measurements were 36-25-34
I like the way you brush your hair
And I like those stylish clothes you wear
I like the way the light hit the ice and glare
And I can see you boo from way over there


TRANSLATION:

As I'm cavorting around to the rhythm of the song I notice a woman approaching me in an extremely enticing and somewhat gradual manner. She mentions that I had caught her attention from across the room and that she enjoyed watching the most recent music video that my associates and I had released. She appears to be very forward in the desire to accompany me back to my quarters and it just didn't seem possible to deny her that wish. She had an absolutely wonderful physique. I told her that I really enjoyed the manner in which she handled her personal hygiene and the extremely trendy and expensive garments she chose to display. I was amazed at how the light was reflecting off of her jewelry, and at that moment I also became aware of the proximity to which her significant other was to the both of us.



Chorus:
If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
wit three women in the fo' with the gold D's
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)


TRANSLATION:

If you'd fancy a lift in my expensive car with several attractive prostitutes... oh dear! Why do I choose to carry myself in this sort of way? You know what, I'd be willing to bet that my motivation probably stems from the money that I will earn if I in fact convince others around me that this is my wild and luxurious lifestyle. If you'd like to travel with me and experience the euphoria of consuming cannabis, one way possibly being to inhale the marijuana in the rear seating of my Mercedes Benz... oh dear! Why do I choose to carry myself in this sort of way? You know what, I'd be willing to bet that my motivation probably stems from the money that I will earn if I in fact convince others around me that this is my wild and luxurious lifestyle.



Check, check -- yo, I know somethin you don't know
And I got somethin to tell ya
You won't believe how many people, straight doubted the flow
Folks said that I was a failure
But now the same motherfuckers askin me fo' dough
And I'm yellin, "I can't help ya"
"But Nelly can we get tickets to the next show?"
Hell no (what's witchu?!) you for real?!


TRANSLATION:

Don't forget to perform mantenience on this microphone so that we can prevent a future failure -- Excuse me, I am privy to certain facts that you may not be aware of and I'm prepared to speak to you directly in a formal manner. You honestly won't be able to comprehend the numbers of people who were of the opinion that I was not going to succeed as a rapper. They would often speak publicly about the fact that I was going to fail. Now, however, those same individuals whom I do not hold in a positive light are requesting help from me, in the form of currency. I tell those people that I'm simply not able to give them the aid that they are asking for. Their next step is to inquire about complimentary tickets to one of my upcoming rap concerts. I answer by telling them that it most likely will not occur. They wonder if there's something wrong with me and even at times they are under the impression that I may be simply joking.



Hey yo, now that I'm a fly guy, and I fly high
Niggaz wanna know why, why I fly by
But yo it's all good, Range Rover all wood
Do me like you should - fuck me good, suck me good
We be them stud niggaz, wishin you was niggaz


TRANSLATION:

Hello, I'd be gratefull if you'd give me your full attention. These days I'm an exceptionally charming man and someone who is constantly abreast of the current social trends. I also experience life to the fullest with my wealth and overall attitude. Because of this change in my personality and lifestyle, African Americans would like to know the reason that I have left their economic bracket and physical geographic locations. Excuse me, everything is fine. My Range Rover is of the extremely expensive variety as it was fastened from all wood. Treat me sexually in the way that I deserve to be treated - engage in sexual intercourse to the fullest of your potential, also perform oral sex to the best of your abilities. We are the group of African Americans who are very successfull and attractive. Because of this, you often aspire to become someone much like us.



Chorus:
If you wanna go and take a ride wit me
wit three women in the fo' with the gold D's
Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)

If you wanna go and get high wit me
Smoke a L in the back of the Benz-y
Oh why must I feel this way? (Hey, must be the money!)


TRANSLATION:

If you'd fancy a lift in my expensive car with several attractive prostitutes... oh dear! Why do I choose to carry myself in this sort of way? You know what, I'd be willing to bet that my motivation probably stems from the money that I will earn if I in fact convince others around me that this is my wild and luxurious lifestyle. If you'd like to travel with me and experience the euphoria of consuming cannabis, one way possibly being to inhale the marijuana in the rear seating of my Mercedes Benz... oh dear! Why do I choose to carry myself in this sort of way? You know what, I'd be willing to bet that my motivation probably stems from the money that I will earn if I in fact convince others around me that this is my wild and luxurious lifestyle.

There's one thing I've noticed about music. A friend of mine will comment on a song they've just heard on the radio and declare:

"Yeah that band sucks."

Then days later I'll hear the same song in my car and crank it up to let the guy in the other lane listen. Because you see it's funny, that music thing. It's pretty much a "to each their own" sort of art. It's unbelievably arbitrary. For instance, something that I absolutely love, you'll only think is ok. Something you hate, I might really dig. Granted, there's this stuff called 'Pop' music which is a bit watered down and seems to appeal to a wider audience. And that's ok too. I can jam to some cheesy Hillary Duff here and there (that's how you can tell I'm not some annoying music elitist) (that's also how you can tell I'm really lame). So don't trust anyone when they say a song is "bad." Go check it out for yourself.

Another great thing about music is just the ridiculous volume that exists. With the Internet, Satellite radio, I-pods, there are hundreds of millions of songs and bands out there waiting to be listened to. You can discover ten new bands a week for the rest of your life and not even scratch the surface of all that's out there.

Whenever I flip on the radio, or search around the online music community, I get a sense of valor and excitement. Yes, I said valor! I'm on the forefront of my own music world. I'm rummaging through the pile, sifting through trash, but often stumbling upon gold. You know what it's like. Those songs that just really HIT you. You're hooked and soon you're singing along. It doesn't matter if those songs are rock, country, hip hop, or blue grass. Well, not country. Of course not. That was a joke.

But the excitement that comes with entering into the music world, it's hard to explain. That's why I'm eager to spend a few moments with you, sharing a few songs and bands that I've recently grown to love. You might think each of these choices is TERRIBLE. I don't think so, but you never know. I feel like I have a pretty varied musical taste. I think each of these is at least worthy of a trial run.

Before I begin, though, I must say that it's a pretty odd venture I've chosen here. You can really only HEAR music. If I try to write about it, well that's nice and all, but the art was really just meant to be listened to. Jerry Seinfeld once said that he hates cooking shows on TV because, "You can't smell it and you can't taste it. What's the point? After they're done it's like, 'Well ok. Here it is. You can't have any. Goodbye.'"

And with that, let's write about music. But then it's your job to actually go and give it a listen. I've included two recommended songs for each band just in case the first doesn't quite catch your fancy. Check these out:



* Rebirth Brass Band - "Cassanova" and "Feel Like Funkin' It Up"
(JAZZ)

Even though these guys have been around since 1983, I hadn't even heard of this band until last week when I went to see them play in DC. A local club was putting on a "Bail out the Big Easy" benefit concert. Several bands played, New Orleans style food was served, and oh yeah, it was all you can drink. I was there. These guys opened up for the headliner on the main stage. Boy was I, and the entire crowd, blown away. This jazz group, literally from the streets of New Orleans, came complete with a giant tuba, horns, and a guy with a single snare drum attached to his hip like he was plucked right out of a high school marching band. These guys had some serious energy. I don't normally find myself listening to jazz, but after seeing this band I immediately bought one of their albums. I had the pleasure of hearing both of these tunes live and they were both fun, energetic, and honestly convinced me that I was back in the French Quarter. Man do I love New Orleans. When order is restored down there, do yourself a favor and spend a few days in the Big Easy. For now, check out the Rebirth Brass Band.



* Death Cab for Cutie - "Soul Meets Body" and "Crooked Teeth"
(POP/ROCK/ALTERNATIVE)

I'm pretty sure I used to hate this band. When I worked in college radio these guys' albums came through the system. I don't even remember listening to them, but I was convinced they were some annoying or cheesy emo band (a pretty funny/accurate definition of emo music is here) and I didn't ever give them a chance. Well their latest album, "Plans," (released just two months ago) seemed to vault them a bit into the attention of more mainstream fans. 'Death Cab' first earned respect from me when I heard, and loved, the band called 'The Postal Service,' which was a side project of 'Death Cab' lead singer Ben Gibbard. You might very well consider this band extremely cheesy. MTV recently featured them during a one hour slot that included the shows "Laguna Beach" and "The Reality Show." But I really like them. It's catchy and the lyrics seem to relax me and make me think:

"In my head
there's a greyhound station
where I send my thoughts
to far off destinations
so they may have a chance
of finding a place where they're
far more suited than here."

Both of these tracks can be found on "Plans," and are probably my two favorite. While you're at it, go check out the more electronically based, aforementioned 'Death Cab' side-band, 'The Postal Service.'



* Nickel Creek - "Best of Luck" and "Ode to a Butterfly"
(BLUEGRASS/POP)

When Nickel Creek was first formed and began performing in 1989, all three band members were younger than thirteen. If that doesn't grab your attention maybe it'll be 'Nickel Creek's' sound. They're bluegrass but combine the vocals and pop melodies of more accepted music. It's probably the North Carolinian in me that is drawn to them but their sound is more contemporary than bluegrass bands you might find in the most rural of the North Carolina mountain communities. Each member, musically, is UNBELIEVABLY TALENTED. Some of the banjo and guitar playing is simply rockin'. You might find a lot of these guys' songs a little slow for your taste and if you can't appreciate the beauty of those songs, keep looking and you'll find some really incredible music among their many other tracks. This is another one of those bands I like to put on when I need some inspiration. "Best of Luck" can be heard on their latest album, "Why Should the Fire Die?" and "Ode to a Butterfly" is off their self-titled first album.



* The Bloodhound Gang - "No Hard Feelings (Birthday)" and "F.U.C.K."
(ROCK)

When I say the Bloodhound Gang, you look puzzled. But then when I sing their hit song with the lyrics, "So let's do it like they do on the Discovery channel," you suddenly smile and nod your head. Yes, these guys mainly specialize in funny rock music, but rock music nonetheless. I can remember driving around in high school in a friend's car jamming to one of these guys' old albums and laughing all the way. These two tracks are off their latest album, "Hefty Fine," which features a very hefty, and naked, man jammed into a tiny box of some sort. Cool. But these two tracks are more Bloodhound Gang fun. The first track, "No Hard Feelings" describes a relationship breaking up and the anger/joy of the singer's newfound lack of responsibilities:

"Ain't my job
to fuck you on your birthday.
Ain't my job
to fuck you on your birthday
anymore."

Those are the first words on the track by the way. But the song also features some cool synthesizer work and a great rock guitar. It's currently enjoying some major airplay on most major rock stations (edited of course). The second song I recommend is actually titled, "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" which is military jargon for the letters F, U, C, and K. As you can tell this band is extremely mature. But after laughing/shunning make sure to give this track a listen as well. I can't quite understand the lyrics. It sounds like they've just thrown random words together, so I think it's great: "Vulcanize the whoopee stick in the ham wallet," are the first words. Yeah. And it doesn't get any less confusing as the song continues. The refrain is very catchy and the track features some great rockin' guitar.



* Black Eyed Peas - "They Don't Want Music" and "My Humps"
(HIP HOP/POP)

This is another band that I used to really despise. You might hate them even after hearing these two tracks. You probably know them for their HEAVILY overplayed track, "Let's Get it Started," (really called "Let's Get Retarded) that can be heard on any annoying pop radio station, sports stadium, or television network promo (it was used as ESPN's NBA theme song last year). For some reason I gave their new album, "Monkey Business," a blind chance and just went out and bought it. It turns out I really like this album. Ignore the few tracks that have been popularized on cheesy radio and you've got one really funky record. These two tracks can be found on this album. Old school or just older music fans probably will never like the Black Eyed Peas. If you're into all sorts of different sounds, and enjoy electronically-based beats mixed with guitar and several varying musical tastes, you just might enjoy this. I haven't heard any of this group's other albums, though, so I still might hate them overall. But check these out. "They Don't Want Music" features guest vocals by THE James Brown and it's definitely funky. "My Humps" is seductively ridiculous and because for some reason I fixate on ridiculous lyrics I love it!

"What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?"
"I'm gonna get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump."

Yep. Gotta love the lyrics of today's music. But give this album a chance. I feel like it's definitely interesting.



OTHER SONGS YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT
(Stuff I'm listening to right now):



* Anything by Phil Collins or "Genesis." (Note: I can't explain that one)

* Musical Youth - "Pass the Dutchie"

* The Presidents of the USA - "Some Postman"

* The Bravery - "Honest Mistake"

* Anything by the John Butler Trio

* Seal - "Crazy"

* Herbie Hancock - "Cantaloupe Island" and "Chameleon"

* Pitty Sing - "Radio"

* Hot Hot Heat - "Middle of Nowhere"

* Mike Doughty - "Looking at the World From the Bottom of a Well"

* Spacehog - "In the Meantime"

* Joe Jackson - "Steppin' Out"

* Tegan and Sara - "Walking With a Ghost"

* The Chemical Brothers - "The Boxer"

* David Banner - "Play"




So there you have it. Probably just the DJ inside of me trying to get some play. But do check out the above songs and feel free to suggest other ones, or let me know just how bad my recommendations are. Happy listening!

Stay Tuned for More Philthy. We'll be Right Back.

What the hell is creativity? Where did it come from? How do you know when you have it? When do you lose it? (Do you lose it?) More importantly, what on Earth are you supposed to do with it?

I haven't a clue, but I'd sure like to discuss it. That is, if it's ok with you all. I hear no objections; then again, this is MY creation.

So let's talk about creativity; the abundance, the lack thereof, and the unbelievably ecstatic exuberance that it radiates when you experience it. I'm not trying to romanticize this feeling, it's that strong. I make no such claims that I possess creativity and maybe you don't, or that I have more of it than you. I really have no clue. I think we all have it. I probably have some. Maybe a few of us were born with larger doses of it than others, or some have harvested it better over time, but it's definitely there. The trick is to harness that power and throw it out into the physical world to let it take the form of, well, something. Some people like to write, some make music, some paint, some teach, some work to find cures for illnesses.

The act of creating seems to me to be one of the greatest things you can possibly accomplish. I challenge you to say otherwise. The feeling of creating a work of art, or playing the saxophone, or educating and molding a child's mind...the feeling of taking empty space and physically placing some original "blob" in it's place, well, that my friends is amazing. When you feel creative you are thrust upon just about the highest natural high there is. You can dive into a project with such energy that you feel as if you could single-handedly solve the Israeli-Palestinian crises, or divert dangerous hurricanes. I imagine that musicians get on this high sometimes and sit in the recording studio for hours and hours, just churning out hooks and beats without stopping. Authors probably experience this at odd hours in the night and sit by their computers just funneling all of the words and thoughts onto the page as quickly as they can type.

There are most definitely varying degrees of this euphoria. I imagine there are these more rare types, as described above, when you can literally write, or sing, or build for HOURS without stopping to refuel. Then there are the slightly more common levels where you are able to feel only a bit creative and for a shorter period of time. It isn't necessarily hard to evoke the latter type. Listening to inspiring music or reading something that moves you could lead to a short period of Stage 1 Creativity, as I'll refer to it.

Honestly, without Stage 1 Creativity, I don't think I would have made it through school. I was always the type of person to procrastinate through EVERYTHING. And by the way, "was" should be immediately substituted with "am." I immediately remember a time in 4th or 5th grade where I was probably given three to four weeks to complete a project on Canada. This included a ten-page paper and some sort of accompanying visual. And at this time in my academic career, a ten-page paper was a VERY big deal. Each day would pass and I would tell myself, no sweat, still got another week to do this thing. Well long story short, the three to four weeks turned into THE NIGHT BEFORE. This was the first time I actually stayed up all night to do something for school. Sort of. My mother will tell you that she woke up early the next morning to find me asleep on the floor of my room with a pencil in my hand, face down into the paper. The point is, I remember that I would get short bursts of creativity when I forced myself to actually sit down and complete an assignment (which was usually the night before). I would get a rush of ideas or words or briefly visualize the final product and then really just rush to write or type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. Stage 1 creativity saved me.

That Stage 2 Creativity however, that's damn special. I wish I knew how to call forth that one. When that sucker hits you can forget about "other plans." It literally takes you over and forces you to follow through with the energy. It's exciting and you just wish it would never end. This is the level musicians get to when they're on stage and they're just clicking. This is what Michael Jordan was feeling when he was making crazy shots with the Bulls and then looked at the sidelines shrugging his shoulders and putting his hands up as if to say, "I have no idea how I'm doing this!" This is what painters feel when they see the visions in their mind and can't stop painting. This is what talented authors feel when inspiration finally hits them and they rush to convert the thoughts into coherent sentences. It's what some sportscasters call being "in the zone."

I'm sure you can think of several examples of when creativity has hit you or when you have found an outlet for the creativity to surge through. I made a short list in my head of times when I was able to feel creative.

Some simple ones to start with: When I'm home visiting my family in Raleigh, at random times my brother and I will get into "finger drumming zones." We both have a propensity to start beats with our fingers or hands on tabletops or counters or WHATEVER. It's probably just a case of too much nervous energy. But there are a few times when he and I will be sitting around watching TV or listening to music and one of us will randomly start. After a few measures the other one of us will chime in with a complementary beat. Soon we're building a steady refrain of beats with short moments of emphasized changes that we continue to build off of. I realize that we're just two dumb guys annoying their parents, but there was one time we got going and just couldn't stop. As my brother continued the beat, I gathered glass bowls, pots and pans, spoons, and glasses and soon we had our own fucking symphony orchestra. The same brother and I did this a few times on our old piano. None of us can really play the piano but we would sit down and randomly play a few notes at a time and really harmonize. It was cool.

Whenever I sit around listening to music I usually grab my acoustic guitar and try to mimic the notes I'm hearing. I've never taken lessons and I can't really play (hmm I see a pattern here) but I can recreate the notes on my guitar that I hear in the song. It's not really playing, but it suits me and when I can get a whole song put together on my guitar I feel that rush of creativity.

The amount of time I devote to writing is almost always dependent on the amount of time that I'm allowed to feel creative or motivated. Writing part of a story or part of this blog allows me to experience short bursts of creativity.

More intense examples include when I was in college and worked for the TV and radio stations. When I was allotted two hours to be on the radio with my thoughts, jokes, conversation, and music, I was in heaven. I felt a rush of relief every time I finished a show. The type of rush you might get when you finish giving a speech in front of hundreds of people or singing the National Anthem in front of thousands. It was an incredible feeling and I got addicted to that high. When I was the sports anchor for the TV station's half-hour news show I was given 3-4 minutes to voice highlights, say ridiculous things and joke around on television (albeit Elon University television). There was nothing like it. When the lights went on and the floor director counted me down from the commercial break, it was like someone flipped a switch and the spotlight was on. It was incredible.

This all sounds very grand. But didn't I title this piece "Creatively FRUSTRATED"? You see, just as high as the biggest creative high can take you, there's always an equal and opposite low that you must also endure. And it's this place, this dark and frustrating place, that can test your nerves and emotions. I don't know about you, but when I'm going through a period of creativity deficiency I become so restless and irritable. I can't escape it. It gets increasingly worse when I try to sit down in front of my computer or a notebook and FORCE myself to think or write. It just won't come.

I feel like creativity comes and goes as it pleases without regard for anything else. It hits you at the strangest times. Maybe we're just lucky to have it at all.

I'll often go through moments where I'm laying in bed or sitting on the couch or sitting at my desk at work and I'll begin to feel creativity building up but I'll have NO CLUE how to release it! This is the worst thing...all I know is that I want to create something but I don't know what it should be. There's usually nothing I can do about it. I throw on some music and try to shovel it out through that but often it's not good enough. I want to write! I want to play! I want to CREATE something desperately! But I just can't figure out how to channel those feelings into reality.

I thought maybe this was just my stupid problem. Then I discussed it with a good friend of mine and discovered that she had similar frustrations and at times just wasn't sure how to deal with it. I think it really stinks when imaginative feelings hit me and I just can't figure out what to do about it, and soon the feelings pass me by. I feel like I've wasted something or I've missed the boat.

I guess, unfortunately, I experience more moments of creative frustration than actual creativity lately. Ironically, even this essay on creativity took me several tries to complete. Normally when I have thoughts in my head and am compelled to write, I can knock it out in one sitting, although it's usually a long sitting. One thing that might be contributing to my frustrations is a lack of creative venues. I no longer can just drive up to a radio station and use my key 24 hours a day to hijack the airwaves for a few hours when I feel like it.

When I was as young as nine or ten I can remember thinking, geeze, I hope feeling creative doesn't weaken as you age. I don't know if it does but I sure hope this isn't the first step in that sad process.

The job I have now offers little to no creativity. It's an organizational job. There aren't very many creative ways to find directions to a stadium for a cameraman to use. It doesn't take too much brilliance to book a satellite feed for video transmission. It just takes a little time to learn the system. What it doesn't require or provide is creativity.

But is this enough reason to find another job? I think so. What do you think? Is there any type of job out there that can provide the much sought after feeling of being creative? I think so. I would imagine that most jobs out there don't provide that, and many of you probably work in one of them, but there are also probably a good number of occupations in which you can truly be creatively satisfied. I just wish I knew what it was.

I hope you can appreciate the frustrations that can follow such situations. If I'm feeling creative I have no idea how to set free those feelings. But if I'm craving some food, I can eat. If I'm craving sleep, I take a nap. But if I'm craving for creativity, how do I handle that?

I don't mean to write this and have everyone thinking that I'm some sort of comic/linguistic/musical genius. Granted I certainly am all of those but I don't need your petty approval. (See that was the comic genius in me, the bad comic genius) Honestly some of these frustrations might be overblown, but if any of you can relate to them, you can understand the degree to which it can frustrate me at times.

Do you ever feel like you have some talent or skill and you just don't know how to channel it properly? I'd be willing to bet that EVERYONE feels that way sometimes. These famous actors/writers/musicians/directors probably at some point tapped into that one area and they made it. Some of my female friends in college used to say they loved guys in bands so much because when they were on stage you could really tell that they were COMPLETELY lost in their music and they were doing that one thing that they were meant to do. That's the feeling that I think we all share and yearn for in some form or another.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on these and other related ideas. Are you suffering through similar frustrations? Have you found the cure for those ailments? Have you found a new outlet? Have you found my blue pen? (Sorry but I'm missing it). Leave a comment here or shoot me an email with some comments, stories, or whatever: philelkins@hotmail.com

One of my friends had a shirt made that says, "Inspire Me." I think that's what we all need, and what we all must do. Go out and play the music that will inspire someone down the road. Write that article or novel that will move someone to change. Go have an inspiring conversation with your friends. Go create something. You might have to force yourself to sit down and do it, but soon you'll hopefully be helped along the way by that fleeting force known as creativity. Good luck.

Stay Tuned for More Philthy. We'll be Right Back.

The telephone answering machine was invented in the early 1900's but it wasn't until the late 1970's that the revolution began. This is when we would begin to find affordable answering machines in our homes. And thank goodness for the revolution. How else would we be able to avoid those embarrassing moments of actual human conversation? Just makes you wonder how the previous generations ever survived. I mean first I hear of this walking barefoot in the snow to school thing, and then there was this whole lack of voicemail technology? I have newfound respect for my elders.

Soon after the dark ages had passed, Caller-ID was invented which allowed us to further avoid our friends, exes, bosses, and that wretched breed of telemarketers. Yes, life was good. But wait, why not take that technology and throw it in a PORTABLE phone that we can take wherever we please? BRILLIANT!

That brings us to the present day. Yes, we've enjoyed decades of solid voicemail technology, but if we are to survive this strange new land of cellular recorded messages, we'll certainly require the aid of a knowledgable guide.

Hell, I'll even take a mentor in the form of a pleasantly toned female recorded voice. Because afterall, if we expect to make it through the confusing process of recording a voice message, why not be assisted by...A VOICE RECORDING! The irony is obviously not lost on me.

But folks, we must ask ourselves...are we in such dire circumstances that we still really need help in leaving a voicemail? If you answered yes, leave now. Seriously. Go check out a different blog. Something a little simpler that you could handle. Maybe George W. Bush blogs.

If no was the path you chose, congrats! You are the proud owner of a reasonably-sized brain.

But really. Cell phone companies: We get it. Our friend's voice will begin to instruct us in some informative or often clever way, and then shortly after, we'll hear an electronic 'BEEP' and then the ball's in our court! That's when the light in our head turns to green and we must compose an equally clever or informative voice message for them to retrieve later. I mean really, that's it. We've had several years to get used to this technology.

I'm sure in the early days of voicemail there was quite the confusion surrounding this strange beeping noise. "What should I do? My friend finished talking, then suddenly there was a loud 'BEEP', as if my friend was using coarse language of some sort! But now there is simply silence. Damn deafening silence...and frankly, I'm scared. My friend's gone, he was upset by something that caused him to use profanity, and profanity that was somehow censored in time for me which is amazing, and then pure nothingness! Maybe I should start a dialogue?"

But now, we get it. And those of us that are somehow still lost in the confusion are over reading Mr. President's blog, so maybe we could just round them all up and do away with them. Sort of give evolution a little push in the right direction.

Now that we understand how the world of telephone voice recording is supposed to go...do you think we could maybe lose that oral instruction booklet that accompanies every cell phone voicemail system???

Let's use my Verizon cell phone as an example. For those lucky few that have access to my number already and have called me before, just play along and pretend you haven't heard it before:

"At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished recording, you may hang up or press '1' for more options. To leave your call-back number press '5'......'BEEP!'"

Now, as if you didn't have enough "options" already, here's what happens when the adventurer in you presses '1' for more options: "If you are satisfied with your message press '1', to listen to you message press '2', to erase and re-record press '3', to continue recording where you left off press '4.'

Excuse the language...but HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT! Whatever happened to just leaving a message after the beep?! Now we need OPTIONS?? I quit life. Yep. I'm out folks. I mean if leaving a voice message is going to be this complicated, I shudder to think of what lies ahead for me in my adult years. Years from now I'll be using the restroom in my house and hear: "To flush the toilet now, press '1'. To wait 10 seconds for any additional flow of urine to be added press '2'. If this is a number 2, press '3'. If this is a vomit-related visit to the bathroom press '4.' For more options press '5'."

It's on it's way folks! And I'm frightened.

But let's quickly examine my cell phone's instructions:


"AT THE TONE, PLEASE RECORD YOUR MESSAGE."

First of all, I appreciate the 'please.' Extremely polite. But the tone thing, I got it! I understand! We've used tones and beeps since the '70's as a way to signal that it's time for us to begin our message. I think we can now officially REMOVE this particular instruction! But to nitpick just a bit, it's not really AT the tone is it? More like AFTER the tone right? I mean if we're going to be obnoxious, at least be accurate.


"WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED RECORDING YOU MAY HANG UP, OR PRESS '1' FOR MORE OPTIONS."

Again, I appreciate the kindness ("you MAY hang up"). Could we maybe not call this a recording though? I mean if people are already this confused with voicemail systems, no need to throw such a technical term in there. How about, "when you're done TALKING you may hang up." And thanks by the way. When I'm done with my message, OF COURSE I'LL HANG UP! I can't imagine what else I would want to do with this thing. I've said my peace, now I'm out. But apparently there ARE more options:


"IF YOU ARE SATISFIED WITH YOUR MESSAGE, PRESS '1'"

We're really thinking too much into this. I don't need to be satisfied, I just need to do it. I'm not crafting a perfect work of art here. This is just a short little voice recording to get my point across enough so that my target audience might just return my call.


"TO LISTEN TO YOUR MESSAGE, PRESS '2'"

Listen, seriously, I'm sure it's fine. And nobody likes to listen to themselves talk. It sounds strange, and it's not like we've just used a complicated, state-of-the-art recording studio here...we're talking into a phone.


"TO ERASE AND RE-RECORD, PRESS'3'"

I mean this needs to be reserved only for dire circumstances. For instance, if for some reason you think you're leaving a message for your buddy but instead you're on your girlfriend's voicemail and you've just finished describing in detail all of the nitty gritty things that you absolutely HATE about your girlfriend, then yes, let's erase and re-record. Otherwise, I'm sure it's cool.


"TO CONTINUE RECORDING WHERE YOU LEFT OFF, PRESS '4'"

Ok, now I'm just fucking confused. We can stop recording, then continue where we left off?? How can this possibly turn out well? Knowing me I'll try to record some sort of re-mix of myself talking, constantly stopping my recording and then re-starting it. I can't see how this option is usefull.


Citizens of this great planet,I propose an instruction-less voicemail system! I believe Nextel already is leading the game with this...but you other cell providers, what do you think? Can we handle a simple beep and be done with it? Some services even go so far as to say: "You may start your message now...'BEEP.'" Those fuckers don't even trust that we'll know what to do when it beeps that they have to actually INSTRUCT us on the precise time to start! I mean come on dude.

Anyway, I bid you good luck in cell phone voice messaging land. And I challenge you, when that bitch starts to hand out instructions when you call your friends, yell back at her damnit! Let her know you WON'T stand for such nonsense! And then maybe someday our children's children will be free from the mindless instructions.


IF YOU ARE SATISFIED WITH THIS MESSAGE, MOVE ON TO ANOTHER WEBSITE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ THIS MESSAGE AGAIN, SCROLL BACK TO THE TOP. TO DISAGREE PROFUSELY, LEAVE A MESSAGE. TO AGREE WITH POLITE COMMENTS, LEAVE A MESSAGE. FOR MORE OPTIONS, GO FIND A HOBBY.

Stay Tuned for More Philthy. We'll be Right Back.

So it's been about two months since the last blog. I mean that's just plain lazy! I've realized that unless I'm REALLY inspired to sit down and write about something, I probably won't write. And after a comment from an old friend (See last blog's comments) I think it's time for some less serious discourse. Every once in awhile instead of focusing on one particular topic I'll sit back and tackle several issues at a time with the best weapon on the market: humor. So with that intro I give you the first edition of, "Phil's Phlegm." (Why Phlegm? Because I found this alternate definition of Phlegm: "One of the four humors of ancient and medieval physiology, thought to cause sluggishness, apathy, and evenness of temper"...yeah I think that's about right)


* GWEN STEFANI IS B-A-N-A-N-A-S!





Alright, you're not allowed to spell out the name of a fruit and call it music. You just can't do it. There aren't too many rules in the music making business but I'm pretty sure that's one of them. I'll let you dye your hair blonde even though you look much hotter as a brunette. I'll let you vacate a rock band that at times was a pretty good little concoction. I'll put up with your new solo career that includes bringing a high school marching band drummer on stage for your songs. But Gwen, even if your shit IS bananas you're just going to have to assume the listener knows how it's spelled. This is not the time for a quick grammar lesson.


* THERE'S NOTHING SWEET ABOUT THESE 16-YR OLDS

Before I leave pop music and cheesy television let's quickly discuss quite possibly the worst idea for a television reality show ever. It's MTV's "My Super Sweet 16." If you're not familiar with it, congratulations, you're a blessed soul. MTV has selected the wealthiest and most annoying teenage girls in the country and will document how their rich-ass parents will construct the most extravagant sweet-16 birthday parties for them. This is ridiculous. Look how much money I have! And look what I'm going to do with it! I'll blow it on my irritable daughter who complains that the gold birthday cake isn't as shiny as she would like! I'm telling you folks, if you accidentally watch this you'll soon join me in a plot to round up these girls and throw them in a cage for the rest of eternity.


* STELLA IS BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE SHOW



If you know me, you're already aware of my love for the new Comedy Central series called "Stella." I think most people probably hate this show because let's face it, it's really really dumb. The few people out there that share my type of sense of humor know that these guys' comedy just sort of clicks with me and gets me laughing on the floor in seconds. These three guys worked together on a not-so-big blockbuster movie, "Wet Hot American Summer." They are also a comedy trio that tours the country doing improv comedy. I'm such a fan. Check out the group's official website for more info on their different comedy projects: www.stellacomedy.com.


* THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY SAID OUR JOBS WERE "FULL-TIME"

I'm not necessarily one of those people that misses College all the time. I do miss it and I had some of the best times of my life in College, but you know it's also nice not to have to share a bathroom with four other guys and I've noticed that even with my shitty salary there seems to be a few extra dollars in my pocket. The thing I miss is the very casual nature of classes as compared to a newfound job. Remember when there were snow days and classes were cancelled? Remember when you walked to class only to find a note posted on the door: "CLASSES CANCELLED TODAY"? Remember when you could skip a class if it was a nice day out? Well I don't know about you all, but I've yet to find a note on my desk at work that says that work has been cancelled for the day. The only notes I get are ones requiring me to do something else that I don't want to do. Doesn't my boss know it's a really sunny day today?


* GIRLS (AND BOYS) JUST WANNA HAVE FUN (AND COMPLAIN)

People just love to complain don't they? I mean you could be on vacation sipping on margaritas at the beach and then get down about a single cloud in the sky momentarily covering up the Sun. The person that complained that the coffee was TOO hot at McDonald's needs to wake up and smell the, well... Some of the on-air anchors that I work with complain about having to sit through a 15-minute meeting discussing the upcoming show for the night. Hey guys, remember that job you have? Yeah the one where you go in front of a camera and talk about SPORTS. Yeah sports, that stuff that really doesn't matter and is just sort of fun. You sit up there and make funny noises for an hour, eat some dinner and call that a day's work. Life sucks bro. Just think, you COULD be working at some shitty party planning company and have to listen to the demands of a "Super Sweet" 16 year old. You're doing fine.


* HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

In a related story, when did it become so tough to be HAPPY? It could just be me, but the majority of people out there just don't seem to have "happy" as their default setting. Someone or something has to act upon them to create said happiness. Whatever happened to just being happy and lighthearted and acting like that towards others? I don't mean this as some cheesy psychological essay, I'm just saying really, it seems to me that it would be easier to act cheerful rather than testy and put off. Is this part of some "tough guy" (or girl) complex? Does it appear that you are more secure and together when you're serious and annoyed? I sure hope not. Even when I'm pissed off or sad about something I try my best to forget about it when I'm at work or out with friends. I've noticed when I act like a complete goof off in a conversation with someone else, they'll soon turn to my state as well. I'm not saying I'm anything special though, I think if everyone just took things a little less seriously we could put up with those notes from our bosses that DON'T mention anything about a work cancellation.


* WAR: WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? A LITTLE DEBATE I GUESS





A few days ago my roommate and I got into a nice little debate on the war in Iraq. I believe we started things out around 2:30 am after I had watched something on CNN called "Dead Wrong." It was a special report on how the government's intelligence turned out to be completely wrong dealing with the Iraq situation. Our conversation ended a little after 6:00 am. It was epic! I'm a liberal and my roommate is sort of a moderate republican. I was arguing that if the intelligence had turned out completely false, we should be angry. And why are we fighting a war in Iraq when our number one enemy was supposedly Osama bin Laden? My roommate argued that a war in Iraq was necessary to stabilize that country's government because in turn it will help to someday stabilize the entire region. The great thing about our discussion was that we threw all the ammo we had at each other and by the end neither of us was ready to change our minds in the least. I don't think that was the intent anyway. Sometimes it's pretty great to be able to turn off the game and sit around talking about what really matters.


* NEWSCAST XIV: RISE OF THE GAS

And finally, who's tired of seeing those news stories about rising gas prices? ME! Guess what, we know it's rising. I can't remember the last time I bought gas that was cheaper than $2 a gallon. You don't have to do one of these stories every night! I get it! And they're always the best aren't they? Close-up shot of a mother's hand squeezing the gas nozzle; shot of gas price sign; interview with the mom who says something about how tough her life is now with her three kids who have to be driven to soccer practice everyday. Oh and how come the report on rising prices always mentions something like, "Crude oil is up to $60 a barrel." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?? There's like two guys in the entire town who know what that is supposed to translate into. Can you just tell me how much it is per gallon? I'm not planning on buying anything by the barrel, and I don't want anything that is "crude." It's not like when I buy a 12-pack of beer the guy will say, "Ok sir. A million pounds of barley and hops will run you close to $300,000." I thought I was just buying 12 beers!


I hope you enjoyed this installment of "Phil's Phlegm." Please feel free to comment on anything you've read above. I appreciate all the feedback from previous blogs. Even you, Daniel Werdel. Punk.

Stay Tuned for More Philthy. We'll be Right Back.

"I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feels alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul

Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life"



So says John Mayer's "Why Georgia." The 27-year old pop/rock singer-songwriter is obviously not in his early twenties, but when his hit album "Room for Squares" was released in 2001, he was just 23. In this auto-biographical track we hear thoughts of being homesick, confusion as to where life is supposed to take you, and a mention of a "quarter life crisis."

First of all, I'm guessing half of you by now are strongly disappointed that I have chosen to use John Mayer to illustrate a point, but don't fret. While many of John's tracks can certainly be considered "way the hell too poppy for rock radio," did you know some of his musical inspirations include guitar legend Stevie Ray Vaughn, Ben Folds Five, Coldplay, and his favorite band, The Police? John's just a talented guy that can play some guitar.

But back to this "quarter life crisis" idea. Could this just be another quasi-cheesy lyric from a quasi-pop songwriter? Or might there be something to it?

We all know about the mid-life crisis. Dad is nearing 50 and can't come to grips with the fact that he might actually retire someday. A sports car is now parked in the garage. All of this while Mom refuses to believe that her last child is soon off to college, leaving her with a very quiet house. I only have a half a life left, they think to themselves. It's frightening. It's a crisis.

Well, what happens when you're age 22-25 and going through some major life changes? What's that called? You're getting ready to dive into the next quarter of your life, the mid-twenties to, well, Mom and Dad's age...Good lord! Where have the years gone? It's frightening. Isn't this a quarter life crisis?

Whatever you want to call it, the life of the 22-25 year old is scary and exciting. It's all new! College is over. SCHOOL is over (unless you go the grad/law/medical school route of course). Preschool through kindergarten, through elementary school, middle school, high school, and college. Year after year in a row; scheduled, dependable life. Sure, you have your summers off, but you know just where you'll be every September and October. School was always something you could count on as a kid whether you liked it or not. It was a constant and familiar place.

But what happens when it's all gone? Now where do you go?

You have a full-time job (or still desperately looking for one). Besides college, you're living away from home for the first time. When you want to see Mom and Dad and your old room you have to actually PLAN A VACATION! I shudder at the 'P' word!

Most of you are living in an area that is fairly new to you. You have a handful of friends but mostly you're left in a huge new place and forced to fend for yourself. Your first job out of college is probably not the best job in the world. They give you some benefits and some perks, but your salary is not one of them.

For many, the quarter life crisis seems to begin during the first real summer out of school after you've found a job. Why? Remember those lazy summer days with cake summer jobs? You go to work for a few hours making decent money, then spend time at the pool, the beach, the movies. Hang out with friends on any day of the work week, because you can.

Well, take that whole 3-month time period and SQUASH it. Suddenly, there's no summer "break" (except for you teachers...and believe me, I've tossed around that idea once or twice...). When you want to go to the beach, see your family, play catch with your little brother, you have to request a vacation from your boss. What? You're not going to give me a 3 month break? Are you crazy?! I can't work like this!

Such is the life of the twenty-something. Exiting college brings an influx of break-ups, new beginnings; lost loves and new loves. It's a confusing whirlwind of emotions. Talking with several high school and college friends of mine I've heard so many different stories.

Several of my friends have ended their college relationships that I was pretty sure were going to last. Two of my friends are married, a third just recently got engaged. Don't even get me STARTED on the whole marriage thing! Now THAT'S frightening! What happened to the summer flings, the short lived relationships that we joke about later over a beer with our friends? Now people are getting married? They're going to spend their ENTIRE life with someone? Holy hell! What happened to age 12 when Cal Ripken Jr. was my whole life?

Our free time seems to have shrunk. Most of us are working well over 40 hours a week. Some nights we're just too tired
to do anything but plop on the couch, catch the end of a game, and call it a night. 9:00am comes pretty early when we're used to noon classes! Five days a week we are guaranteed not to have the day off. And what's the deal with this apartment living? No deck? No yard to mow? A parking lot view from the windows? Get me out of here!

Suddenly we're re-evaluating our business goals, our life goals. We've been at a company for almost a year, but is this what we really want to do? Are we stuck with this career decision for the rest of our lives? Should we do something else?

Are we meeting the right people? Supposedly the friends we make these days are the one's that our kids will someday call "Uncle." Is THIS relationship going to be THAT relationship? The one that leads me to a house with a garage that will someday have a sportscar that belongs to me, the FATHER?

And you can't help but sometimes refer to the invisible guide in your head of what you're supposed to be doing by certain ages. Married by 30? In a job you love by 25? Kids by...KIDS?

I don't think it's so ridiculous to feel a little scared about this time in our lives. There's no instruction booklet or map for us to check out. Should I take that job or stay here? Does this one lead me to a life full of successes? Or is it the other one? When we were younger we could sort of always look ahead, even if it was just a little ahead, and see what was next. In 7th grade we knew that in a couple of years we'd be in high school. As a junior in high school we knew pretty soon one of those colleges would accept us and we could plan the next four years of our life.

But now? I don't know where I'll be next MONTH! I'm looking at townhouses, ready to move out of my apartment. But where? That's still up in the air.

And I'm basically ready to find new employment. Wow, that sounds a bit scary. I love Comcast SportsNet, and working at a sports television station is unbelievably fun! It's not everywhere you can wear jeans and play Nerf basketball at WORK!

But the fact is, I only like what I'm doing, I don't love it. Sure, I have very cool responsibilities and I can sometimes even call it "work" when I'm in the locker room interviewing professional athletes. But I don't feel like I'm letting out my creativity. That is a strong thing to deny folks. When you can't let out your creativity, can't see yourself LOVING what you do for a living, then it just ain't worth it. Remember that dream, that goal we all had when we were younger? The one we were going to reach for sure?

My job is a desk job. I want to be on the air. I want to be at that game, describing the action through the radio airwaves to people in their cars or people at home who prefer my play-by-play to that annoying guy doing it on the TV version. Get me on the radio, on the air. I don't care what I'm doing! Let me read the traffic reports! That will fulfill me! Then I'll show them that maybe this kid can do a little more than traffic.

A few friends of mine have decided that after a year of working they want to move back home. I used to think that was absolutely mental. Now, I don't know...as crazy as it would be to have some "rules" again, I do miss my family, miss beautiful North Carolina weather. The mountains on one end, the beaches on the other. A lot of my friends are back home.

But is that giving up? Are we supposed to sort of stick it out for awhile? Is it supposed to be hard and scary sometimes? I think so. And by the way, it's not ALL bad. Suddenly we have a few more dollars in our pocket (but not too much). We're working for ourselves, paying for ourselves. We become pretty self-sufficient and even reach that point where we aren't making calls home for cash anymore. There's no more homework or papers we have stay up late at night finishing. That's sure nice.

It's also not bad that life seems to be a little more exciting these days. Exciting people, exciting cities, exciting relationships.

I don't think there's any doubt that a quarter life crisis exists, but we still get laughed at by our parents who can't believe that we're freaking out about being in our MID-TWENTIES! It's all relative though isn't it? We can only deal with the things in front of us, and in front of me is age 24 in October!

"Am I living it right?"

John Mayer at age 23 knew a little something about the worry and confusion of the quarter life crisis.

I just wish THIS 23 year old had a road map.

Stay Tuned for More Philthy, We'll Be Right Back.

Recently a number of notable people have died. Newsmaker Terri Shiavo, Johnny Cochran, Frank Perdue (of Perdue Chicken), and at the time of this writing, Pope John Paul II has nearly passed. One name that isn't on that list, that will surely be forgotten by most, is comedian/actor (but mainly comedian) Mitch Hedberg. I write this in honor of Mitch, not because I think he is more influential or worthy than those mentioned above, certainly not, but because he was one of those unique guys that fall through the cracks. Most have never even heard of him, but those that knew who he was, probably won't ever forget him.

I got home late last night around 3:00am. I sat down at the computer and immediately noticed several messages and e-mails from college and high school friends. They were all the same.

"Dude...I can't believe it. Mitch Hedberg died today. 37 years old! That guys was one-of-a-kind."

I admit I couldn't really believe it myself. I checked online and sure enough the articles were there. The Associated Press wrote one that most of the major newspapers ran as a tiny blurb in their next morning's editions. Read it here in the Washington Post, but hurry up and come back.

I called my younger brother and one of my good friends at 3:30am to tell them the sad news. Mitch wasn't a relative, a close friend, a mentor; Why was I so compelled to call over his death in the wee hours of the morning? It was Mitch Hedberg, dude.



Mitch Hedberg was a comedian. But that word just doesn't seem to paint the complete picture. Mitch was UNIQUE. Looking at his jokes on paper you'd think, "What the hell? Seems like a dumb stoner to me. What's the big deal?" Now, I'm not totally saying he wasn't a dumb stoner ("I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too"), but this guy was pure comedy.

When you see a stand-up comedian in person or on TV and you want to describe their style to one of your friends, you most likely do it by comparing them to an existing, more well known comedian. There are only a handfull of comedians out there who stand alone and who we seem to have trouble comparing to others. I'll throw out Jerry Seinfeld and Robin Williams as two who fit that category. They're unique and unparalleled. Well, though Mitch wasn't nearly as popular in mainstream comedy, he was unparalleled. I don't know how to describe him to people who've never seen him or heard his jokes. That's a good thing. The best thing.

Someone once asked Mitch why he wasn't more of a household name. He answered, "Because all of my fans live in apartments."



Mitch had long, straight brown hair dangling just above his shoulders. It was parted directly in the middle. He usually wore large, aviator sunglasses that were tinted just slightly to an amber red color. On stage Mitch would stand directly over the microphone, usually holding the mic and staring down in an almost shy gaze where he didn't want to look the audience in the eyes. In the one Comedy Central special he recorded, Mitch variates slightly by actually just sitting on the elevated stage and holding the microphone in his lap, staring at the ground while he spoke.

Speaking of, well, speaking, that was half of Mitch's comedy right there. The delivery of his jokes was just as important as the content itself. That makes sense in comedy usually, otherwise, any semi-intelligent person could be a comedian. But my friends, what is it that they always say about comedy? Timing is everything. I'm not sure Mitch was a master of timing but his delivery remains unmatched.

He spoke with a deep, quasi-raspy voice; Something you would expect to hear from some college dropout at the local poetry open mic night. But there was also definitely that hippie twang to his voice. Even when he laughed onstage it was a deliberate, slower, ha...ha.......ha. There was also a sense that while he had defintely rehearsed these jokes before, somehow he delivered them like he was just sitting around in your living room talking to you and having a beer (or in Mitch's case, probably smoking a joint). The subject of most of his jokes anyway would seem to fit that relaxed environment.




Mitch had no real style to his jokes. He just had jokes, thought they were funny, wrote them down, and told them. He never tried to do impressions or use inflections in his voice. It was just plain Mitch. You would just laugh at his ridiculously simple, sometimes stupid, jokes, and if you didn't laugh at them, he always said something like, "Man that joke was stupid. I don't know what I was trying to pull off with that one."

People always said Jerry Seinfeld was the master of everyday observations. Think of Mitch Hedberg as the master of the REALLY TINY everyday observations. Jerry Seinfeld wondered what the deal was with airline food. Mitch Hedberg wondered why the ants in his ant farm were in fact not "farming" anything! ("Them fellas didn't grow shit. What about some carrots maybe, for me? I like carrots"). Mitch would sometimes start a joke and not even finish it because he made himself laugh (for those that know me, this is what I do to myself. But hey, if you can make yourself laugh, you'll never be board!). Other times he'll be remarking on how stupid his last joke was, and consequently be building a joke just based on that. Mitch was just fun comedy. You didn't have to think when you heard him, in fact, it was probably better that you didn't try to think.

I was fortunate enough to see Mitch live in Raleigh a couple of years ago. It was regrettably the only time I got to see him. Let me tell you, truthfully, I saw Jerry Seinfeld once and that was amazing. I've seen other comedians here and there. Nothing compared to Mitch Hedberg live in person.

"What's that? Phil just said Mitch Hedberg was funnier than JERRY SEINFELD!?? BURN HIM ALIVE!" I love Jerry Seinfeld. I'm such a Seinfeld addict. But seeing Mitch Hedberg was an experience all it's own. I just wish I remembered more of his material from that night.

I first heard Mitch on someone's computer when I was a junior or senior in high school. I was hooked. I downloaded the first CD he had recorded and brought it to college. My freshman year at Elon there were many nights when I casually pulled out the CD and said, "Hey, anyone ever heard of Mitch Hedberg?" The answer was always no, but an hour later, they wanted to hear more. I credit myself, by the way, with single-handedly introducing the Elon area to Mitch. No one ANYWHERE knew who he was! I won't accept any arguments to the contrary, I DID IT FOLKS.

There was just something about this guy. I've been upset when legendary athletes pass away. People like that. But this was different. He was only 37 years old. I had been such a fan and we all sort of took it for granted that this guy would just be around for awhile and keep doing his thing. Then, suddenly, Mitch was gone. I don't know what it is, but when I gave the news to my good friend, we both were upset and angry. You know, "manly upset." We weren't about to cry, but we were so frustrated this guy was gone. How could he do this to everyone?

My younger brother Kevin and I shared the same sorts of conversations. Kevin, a high school student in Raleigh, said his school actually put Mitch Hedberg jokes on their morning announcement program and their quote of the day was something like, "Mitch we miss you, RIP." I thought that was amazing. Kevin said it actually affected him. He had a lousy day thinkig about Mitch.

Comedy Central earlier tonight scrapped their programming for a little while to pay tribute to Mitch by airing the "Comedy Central Presents" show that Mitch recorded a few years ago. At the end there was a picture of Mitch and a quote, "Mitch, we loved you too."

I've included some of Mitch's most classic jokes at the bottom of this post. And those were simply some of my favorites from the FIRST half of his CD that I own. I had to stop or else this would turn into a novel.

Listen, I'm not trying to glorify this guy over, say, the Pope. But so many other people will be writing that Pope memoir tomorrow. There's absolutely no argument from me that Mitch Hedberg was somehow a greater person than the long-tenured Catholic. But here's the thing. Every so often, that random person comes along and just makes you laugh your ass off. And 99% of America will never pay him another thought. They'll read that short obit article, they'll catch that Comedy Central re-run, but that will be the extent of it. Mitch was a legend, and like too many other favorite legends, he died far too young.


This one's for you Mitch.


_____________________________________



"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too."

"I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin ass. I'd be way better than before. They'd back up now."

"I got an ant farm, but them fellas didn't grow shit. What about some carrots maybe, for me? I Like carrots."

"My apartment is infested with kowala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever, way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of kowala bears scatter. But I don't want em too you know? I'm like, 'hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.' Kowala bears are so fuckin cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, and I will apprehend one."

"I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there. That's filler."

"Last week I helped a friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no, but I want a regular banana later...so...yeah..."

"A guy told me he liked cherries, but i waited to see if he liked tomatoes too, but then i realized he liked cherries just. Damn, that joke was ridiculous! I don't know what I was tryin to pull there. That one might be edited. I can edit the jokes."

"I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, I like to call them places to put stuff. 'Do you know where I can store a pea?' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'"

"I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others."

"I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen, but he could not read it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper."

"I saw some 2-dollar bills today, they were for sale for $8. Something went severely wrong there. What happened? It spun out out of control. Now it's worth 8, still says 2. I miss the 2. I could break a 2. Alright..."

"I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too."

"I mumble a lot offstage. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something. He won't hear me, so he'll say 'what', so I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he'll say 'what' again. But really its just some insignificant shit that I'm sayin, but now i'm yelling, 'that tree is far away!"

"If you boat a lot you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't ever want to be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy that likes to boat."

"I want to be a racecar passenger, just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep goin in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man you really like Tide."

"You should never tell anyone they have a nice dimple, cause, what if they got shot in the face with a BB gun."

"I wrote a letter to my dad. I was going to write, 'I really enjoy being here,' but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really.' But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away"

"At the end of my letters I like to write, 'P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.'"

"If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin pimpin that shit out. 'What's goin on man? Tell you what, I'll trade you a free key duplication for...hahaha..' That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good cause there's no ending. I fuckin covered that up."

"I think Bigfoot is blurry. It's not the photographers fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. 'Run! He's fuzzy, get out of here.'"

"My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. That's very dangerous, cause, what if they don't have a hand. They'll think you're cocky. 'Hey look what I got motherfucker. This thing is usefull. I'm gonna go pick somethin up.'"

"If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. 'Hey I just my wallet, but fuck, this song is funky, fuck it!' Haha...that shit's no good boy..this is a CD called hit and miss."

"I got a robe. It's not a robe really, it's just a towel that fits me."

"My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it but she does live in a trailer, so she got halfway. She's an actress she's just never called to the set."

"On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana it's the total opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."

"I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, often I will drop it, so that it achieves it's maximum flavor potential."

"You know how they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob' right? But that's how it comes out of the ground man. They should call that corn. They should call every other version, 'corn-off-the-cob.' It's not like if you cut off my arm, you would call my arm 'Mitch' and if you reattach it you would call that, 'Mitch-altogether.'"


FOR MORE INFO ON MITCH:

- The Life and Humor of Mitch Hedberg
- Local DJ's try to call Mitch for a segment, the day after he died