They Call Him Philthy

The telephone answering machine was invented in the early 1900's but it wasn't until the late 1970's that the revolution began. This is when we would begin to find affordable answering machines in our homes. And thank goodness for the revolution. How else would we be able to avoid those embarrassing moments of actual human conversation? Just makes you wonder how the previous generations ever survived. I mean first I hear of this walking barefoot in the snow to school thing, and then there was this whole lack of voicemail technology? I have newfound respect for my elders.

Soon after the dark ages had passed, Caller-ID was invented which allowed us to further avoid our friends, exes, bosses, and that wretched breed of telemarketers. Yes, life was good. But wait, why not take that technology and throw it in a PORTABLE phone that we can take wherever we please? BRILLIANT!

That brings us to the present day. Yes, we've enjoyed decades of solid voicemail technology, but if we are to survive this strange new land of cellular recorded messages, we'll certainly require the aid of a knowledgable guide.

Hell, I'll even take a mentor in the form of a pleasantly toned female recorded voice. Because afterall, if we expect to make it through the confusing process of recording a voice message, why not be assisted by...A VOICE RECORDING! The irony is obviously not lost on me.

But folks, we must ask ourselves...are we in such dire circumstances that we still really need help in leaving a voicemail? If you answered yes, leave now. Seriously. Go check out a different blog. Something a little simpler that you could handle. Maybe George W. Bush blogs.

If no was the path you chose, congrats! You are the proud owner of a reasonably-sized brain.

But really. Cell phone companies: We get it. Our friend's voice will begin to instruct us in some informative or often clever way, and then shortly after, we'll hear an electronic 'BEEP' and then the ball's in our court! That's when the light in our head turns to green and we must compose an equally clever or informative voice message for them to retrieve later. I mean really, that's it. We've had several years to get used to this technology.

I'm sure in the early days of voicemail there was quite the confusion surrounding this strange beeping noise. "What should I do? My friend finished talking, then suddenly there was a loud 'BEEP', as if my friend was using coarse language of some sort! But now there is simply silence. Damn deafening silence...and frankly, I'm scared. My friend's gone, he was upset by something that caused him to use profanity, and profanity that was somehow censored in time for me which is amazing, and then pure nothingness! Maybe I should start a dialogue?"

But now, we get it. And those of us that are somehow still lost in the confusion are over reading Mr. President's blog, so maybe we could just round them all up and do away with them. Sort of give evolution a little push in the right direction.

Now that we understand how the world of telephone voice recording is supposed to go...do you think we could maybe lose that oral instruction booklet that accompanies every cell phone voicemail system???

Let's use my Verizon cell phone as an example. For those lucky few that have access to my number already and have called me before, just play along and pretend you haven't heard it before:

"At the tone, please record your message. When you are finished recording, you may hang up or press '1' for more options. To leave your call-back number press '5'......'BEEP!'"

Now, as if you didn't have enough "options" already, here's what happens when the adventurer in you presses '1' for more options: "If you are satisfied with your message press '1', to listen to you message press '2', to erase and re-record press '3', to continue recording where you left off press '4.'

Excuse the language...but HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT! Whatever happened to just leaving a message after the beep?! Now we need OPTIONS?? I quit life. Yep. I'm out folks. I mean if leaving a voice message is going to be this complicated, I shudder to think of what lies ahead for me in my adult years. Years from now I'll be using the restroom in my house and hear: "To flush the toilet now, press '1'. To wait 10 seconds for any additional flow of urine to be added press '2'. If this is a number 2, press '3'. If this is a vomit-related visit to the bathroom press '4.' For more options press '5'."

It's on it's way folks! And I'm frightened.

But let's quickly examine my cell phone's instructions:


"AT THE TONE, PLEASE RECORD YOUR MESSAGE."

First of all, I appreciate the 'please.' Extremely polite. But the tone thing, I got it! I understand! We've used tones and beeps since the '70's as a way to signal that it's time for us to begin our message. I think we can now officially REMOVE this particular instruction! But to nitpick just a bit, it's not really AT the tone is it? More like AFTER the tone right? I mean if we're going to be obnoxious, at least be accurate.


"WHEN YOU ARE FINISHED RECORDING YOU MAY HANG UP, OR PRESS '1' FOR MORE OPTIONS."

Again, I appreciate the kindness ("you MAY hang up"). Could we maybe not call this a recording though? I mean if people are already this confused with voicemail systems, no need to throw such a technical term in there. How about, "when you're done TALKING you may hang up." And thanks by the way. When I'm done with my message, OF COURSE I'LL HANG UP! I can't imagine what else I would want to do with this thing. I've said my peace, now I'm out. But apparently there ARE more options:


"IF YOU ARE SATISFIED WITH YOUR MESSAGE, PRESS '1'"

We're really thinking too much into this. I don't need to be satisfied, I just need to do it. I'm not crafting a perfect work of art here. This is just a short little voice recording to get my point across enough so that my target audience might just return my call.


"TO LISTEN TO YOUR MESSAGE, PRESS '2'"

Listen, seriously, I'm sure it's fine. And nobody likes to listen to themselves talk. It sounds strange, and it's not like we've just used a complicated, state-of-the-art recording studio here...we're talking into a phone.


"TO ERASE AND RE-RECORD, PRESS'3'"

I mean this needs to be reserved only for dire circumstances. For instance, if for some reason you think you're leaving a message for your buddy but instead you're on your girlfriend's voicemail and you've just finished describing in detail all of the nitty gritty things that you absolutely HATE about your girlfriend, then yes, let's erase and re-record. Otherwise, I'm sure it's cool.


"TO CONTINUE RECORDING WHERE YOU LEFT OFF, PRESS '4'"

Ok, now I'm just fucking confused. We can stop recording, then continue where we left off?? How can this possibly turn out well? Knowing me I'll try to record some sort of re-mix of myself talking, constantly stopping my recording and then re-starting it. I can't see how this option is usefull.


Citizens of this great planet,I propose an instruction-less voicemail system! I believe Nextel already is leading the game with this...but you other cell providers, what do you think? Can we handle a simple beep and be done with it? Some services even go so far as to say: "You may start your message now...'BEEP.'" Those fuckers don't even trust that we'll know what to do when it beeps that they have to actually INSTRUCT us on the precise time to start! I mean come on dude.

Anyway, I bid you good luck in cell phone voice messaging land. And I challenge you, when that bitch starts to hand out instructions when you call your friends, yell back at her damnit! Let her know you WON'T stand for such nonsense! And then maybe someday our children's children will be free from the mindless instructions.


IF YOU ARE SATISFIED WITH THIS MESSAGE, MOVE ON TO ANOTHER WEBSITE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ THIS MESSAGE AGAIN, SCROLL BACK TO THE TOP. TO DISAGREE PROFUSELY, LEAVE A MESSAGE. TO AGREE WITH POLITE COMMENTS, LEAVE A MESSAGE. FOR MORE OPTIONS, GO FIND A HOBBY.

Stay Tuned for More Philthy. We'll be Right Back.