They Call Him Philthy

Welcome back! First of all, yes, I survived St. Patrick's Day. I just haven't gotten around to writing in a little while. Second, thanks to everyone out there who takes a little time to check in on the "Philthy" Blog and thanks for all the kind words. For the sports fans out there, WHAT A TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR! Some are saying this could be the best NCAA Tournament in recent memory, maybe the best ever. To that I say, NONSENSE! How about that N.I.T baby! My Terps are still pathetically fighting hard. As for the news world, anyone else tired of hearing about Terri Shiavo? I'm not even sure what my stance is on this. I don't think people should have to live in a vegetable state like that, I sure don't want to. But with all of the politicians and news media focusing their agendas on this case that isn't so unique (you really think this is the first time this has happened?) I'm just plain tired of it all. Can we please be allowed to think about something else now? What happened to Michael Jackson? The news media has unbelievably driven me to demand that Jacko's case once again rule the airwaves! Speaking of the news media, that brings us to this edition's topic:

___________________

I like a lot of cheesy movies. I'm a big fan of "Garden State" even though I accept the fact that the love story featured in it is pretty cheesy. I like a lot of cheesy music. While I prefer GOOD music, my friends make fun of me when they catch me listening to incredibly cheesy pop music every so often. I like cheese itself. I mean what else are you supposed to put on hamburgers and macaroni? And what would the city of Philadelphia do without cheese steaks? Oh the humanity!

What I refuse to ever accept even just a LITTLE bit, are cheesy TV news anchors. Remember, this is coming from a guy who graduated from Elon University with a degree in broadcast journalism and who works at a television station. I love the media. I won't sit back and watch it embarrass itself!

What's that you say? You've never seen a cheesy TV news anchor? Oh I beg to differ. A rare breed they are not. If you've ever watched any local newscast for more than five minutes continuously, you've seen the cheese. And if you still don't think TV news anchors are cheesy, then maybe you should examine YOUR cheesiness. And then go write some pop music.

Let's examine the TV news anchor shall we?

First, the physical attributes. For the men it seems to be an unwritten requirement that your hair be parted and gelled so that it reaches maximum height. The closer to the ceiling the better. Absolutely no facial hair. We don't want individuality in the media! Your smile must be as close to ultimate cheese as possible. For the women, same smile. It helps if you are young and beautiful, or at least if makeup can make you look like that. Only a high school reading level is required ("If I put words in your camera would you read them? Welcome aboard"). After only a quick search of local stations across our country, here are a few examples of cheesy anchors. And this is just what they LOOK like! Imagine when they talk and interact with other cheesy TV news anchors!






A good cheesy TV news anchor will really convince you that they care about the gang-related deaths in the city yesterday. Then only seconds later, they'll show you their incredible sense of humor as they laugh at another one of their co-anchor's HILARIOUS puns!

Hey TV news anchors, STOP BLAMING THE WEATHER GUY FOR TODAY'S SHITTY WEATHER! It's not funny anymore. I think even the weather guys stopped laughing at this sometime in the early 80's. Is there NO other way to transition from the news into the weather without something like this happening? :

"...and restaurant patrons were not too happy. Speaking of not too happy, Tom, why do you make us suffer through these unseasonably cold days?"

Guess what cheesy TV news anchor, Tom hates you. He's only smiling because it's in his job description and it distracts him from wanting to rip your fake head off. Tom doesn't control the weather. He can barely predict it. Weather is fucking COMPLICATED. Accept this fact. Tom will generally tell you if it will be sunny or rainy and he can even give you what today's temperature will be within about 10 degrees. That's impressive and enough for me.

I can't totally defend Tom though. Yep, weather guys are cheesy TV anchors as well. They just have more boring information to relay so sometimes it's harder for the cheese to shine through. And as much as it pains me, I can't leave out the TV sports anchor. Yes, even he can be cheese. I am an aspiring sports anchor myself. Everytime I see a cheesy, talent-less, hair crazy sports anchor that has made it on TV, well, it's just what keeps me going. Hell, if someone put THAT ass clown on the air, maybe I have a shot.

Maybe the worst cheese moment in the entire newscast is the toss from sports back to the news anchors. It's terrible. It pains me to watch, think about, write about. I know you've seen this and I know you feel my pain. When the sports guy finishes his report, one of the anchors tries to build off of the last story and claims that they are, "looking forward to seeing that game tomorrow."

Hey cheesy TV news anchor, we know that you have ZERO sports knowledge and ZERO sports interest. You don't have to pretend. In fact, it's perfectly fine! I'd rather watch a news anchor that isn't into sports. They should be spending their time with things that matter so I can spend my time on entertainment, and then get real news from them. We know that if it was up to you, cheesy TV news anchor, sports wouldn't even be a part of the show. Just that five quick minutes of sports coverage at the very end takes away from time you could be telling us about cute cats, today's town council meeting, or "something your children are playing with right now could kill them...We'll tell you what it is at 11."

The cheese factor here is unbearable. Note: as a city's population increases, it's local news cheesiness tends to decrease at an exponential rate. That explains why bigger city's local news is much more watchable than middle-of-no-where's is.

We are pleading, cheesy TV news anchor, STOP THE CHEESE! We'd like for you to read us the news in an informative way. Don't be afraid to be yourself. That's what we are! Just because you're in front of the camera it doesn't mean you get to act like a movie star (that means you North Carolina-based Mike Hogewood...). With your cooperation we just might be able to turn local news into a legitimate program in time. And we better do that by the time I find my on-air sports job. Or I'll rip cheesy TV news anchor's head right off.