They Call Him Philthy

Whether you've known me for years or only for a few hours, it should be pretty clear that I love to laugh and to find humor in just about any situation. I figure, let's live a little longer and try to have a little fun along the way. Today marks the end of 4 days working at the ACC Tournament in Washington, DC. Do you think I could spend all that time without building a massive list of hilarity? Of course not!

In sharing my experiences with you I must admit that everything here did not come from inside the walls of the MCI Center. Either way they're all related to my 4-day tournament experience. So sit back, keep your eyes fastened and your traytables way the hell away from electrical equipment like your computer.

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The easiest way to travel around DC is the Metro. For you wacky New Yorkers, this is what we call our Subway. This morning I walk the 10 minutes to the Silver Spring Metro and hop on the train headed for the District. Early morning on a Sunday there usually aren't too many travellers. But with my luck one of those few happened to be a strange looking older man with dark red glasses and a black cap.

He appeared to be travelling heavy with a shopping cart full of what I assumed to be his every last possession. The fact that this man was probably homeless is not the funny part. If you were laughing just now you should be ashamed of yourself. Laughing at the homeless...look at yourself.

He unfortunately decided to talk to me as we were briefly stopped at one of the stations. He pointed to an oddly shaped cream-colored structure just outside and said, "Hey man, what's that thing? A missile factory or something?"

Yes. It's a missile factory my friend. It sits just outside a suburban neighbord in Washington and churns out explosive rockets every hour on the hour. The rationale for his guess was that the particular Metro stop we were at is called "Fort Totten."

Now, I don't pretend to be an expert on the history of this city, but clearly there is no military installation outside this Metro stop. It just looked like another subway tunnel. Either way, me and Old Red Glasses were on speaking terms.

By the time we came to my stop the two of us had discussed (or I had nodded my head while he tried to form working sentences) how much he hated President Bush, how hard it was to make money in this city, and how very soon he would move back to California. But not San Francisco. No not back there. I could have dug deeper, but honestly, would you have?

He described Bush as a killer, who "can't stop, he just has to keep killing. KILL KILL!" Just for fun I asked him if he considered himself a Democrat or a Republican. He got a little angry when speaking of Republicans.

Visitors to my fine city, don't take this story as a warning never to use public transportation here. These people are few and far between but when you stumble upon one you just have to take advantage to find some humor.

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After Saturday night's games myself and the other ACC crew went out for a big meal and some drinks at the Capital City Brewery a few blocks from the MCI Center. The meal was great with funny stories from all of our Cameramen. If you ever want to hear some of the best stories of all time, get to know a cameraman.

At some point I noticed there was a woman at a table behind me. She was probably in her late 50's and was sitting alone. I began hearing her talk in lengthy conversations. I would glance behind me and though I couldn't see anyone else near her, I assumed she was talking on a cell phone. A half an hour later, the talking was constant and I had an ACC intern go do some reconnaissance. Sure enough,no phone, no friends at the table.

That's right. Another crazy person. I love it! I started paying attention to the content of her "conversations." I swear I'm not making this up. I heard: "And that's why you shouldn't get married. Marriages never last, I'm done with marriage"; "Oh really? Then why is it that YOU are the one going to jail, the big house. You don't see ME in the slammer do you?"; "I don't know, a large box I guess. Metallic of course but still neat enough to put a bow on top and take to the market."

My friends, I couldn't make that stuff up if I tried! BRILLIANT! We sat around and discussed a plan of action to mess with her of course. The bright idea out of our jackass producer from Fox Sports South was to go sit down next to her and then yell, "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO??" We left her alone and went home.

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I love fans. My last post is all about my love for ACC fans. But folks, there are always times I've got to laugh at their stupidity and annoyances.

Every single person in the building apparently has a better view of the action than the referees. Yeah, I'm talking about you Mr. drunk, over-60 Wolfpack fan who has seats so high up that it would make an airline pilot's nose bleed. How could you possibly have seen that foul from up there sir? I mean really? And are the refs really out to get you and your team? Do you really think someone is paying them to make those bad calls? No! You're just playing Duke...

Here's a rule: If you are at the ACC Tournament, the granddaddy of college basketball conference championships, and you're wearing your favorite team's clothes and have your face painted, AT LEAST know who your own players are. A girl in her twenties today was asked who her favorite Duke player was. She answerd, "Um...the starter." And THAT answer took several seconds! After we semi made fun of her by letting her know that five players start, she needed to be more specific, she answers, " Shavlick...Krzyzewski."

Nice work young lady. You've managed to combine Shavlick Randolph, a player, with head coach Mike Krzyzewski. Do you watch any basketball? Do you even know where you're going today after you get your ticket ripped?

New rule: Not everyone is as good at basketball as ACC players. When I get into conversations with these MCI Center ushers and even police officers about how they could play college ball, I can barely hold in the emotions. "I just didn't finish college, that's why i'm not playing now, I didn't get enough exposure. But i'm fast dude! And I got some hops!"

You're right, you could probably school Rashad McCants at your towering height of 5'11' and blazing usher-to-seat speed. Come on my friend, it doesn't even LOOK easy from here. These guys are fuckin good. You didn't make your neighborhood JV squad.

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Scalpers: No I don't have any tickets. No I don't want to buy two seats 5 sections apart. Go get a real job and leave these real fans alone. Stick to NBA games.

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And thus, another ACC Tournament comes to an end. This was my second tournament and second as a member of the media. My experiences were incredible and there were entirely too many to talk about here.

I hope I helped in painting the most detailed picture of the behind the scenes world I got to peek inside for 4 days. In no way did I want any of this to appear to be bragging, I felt like I was one of the luckiest guys around and just wanted to share.

It was funny the divide that I saw. Some people couldn't believe I worked so long and didn't get paid. Other people couldn't believe that I got to sit on the floor at the ACC Tournament. To each their own. For me, going to TWO tournaments and getting the access that I've had, I couldn't be more greatful to my friends at the ACC for giving me this opportunity.

I've learned that the majority of sports reporters and announcers are good people, a minority thinks they are god's gift to the Earth. I've learned that the magic of the ACC Tournament can survive in cities other than Greensboro or Charlotte, because the fans will go wherever the Tournament is. And I've learned that the people, whether it be the fans, the players, coaches, media, or stadium workers are the ones who make this experienc so unforgettable. Seeing southerners, northerners, blacks, whites, rich, only semi-rich people all joined by the love of college basketball was worth the time and energy.

I hope you've enjoyed this little journey. Remember, just because my life can't always be this exciting, doesn't mean you shouldn't keep this goldmine blog of all blogs bookmarked because the brilliance is constantly being pumped out of me and into here for your enjoyment.

Stay tuned for More Philthy, We'll be Right Back.